Ask Amy: Woman wanting to marry carries tough secret
Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes – these things all define you.
And so no, you should not “position this and bring it up in conversation.” Rape is not something you bring up in conversation. It IS the conversation.
This is going to sound pedestrian, but I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation.
Write down your thoughts.
Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted.
I suggest starting with: “I have something to talk to you about. This is hard for me and so I hope you’ll bear with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”
If you two have a loving future together (I assume you do), your and his stories – joyful and heartbreaking – go along with you.
Remember this: So many survivors stand alongside you. I hope you can picture an army of supportive survivor-warriors who all have your back.
You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and telephone counseling.
(November 2019)
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