Dear Kid Whisperer,

Our 11-year-old nephew is spoiled, entitled, rude and disrespectful to both young and old family members. Family gatherings have become very stressful and tense due to him refusing to eat at certain times, refusing to greet adults, punching family members, interrupting adult conversations and generally being completely out of control.

When we try to correct the behavior, he becomes snarky and says we are not his parents so we can't tell him what to do. His parents also tell us not to "tell their kid what to do.” He has no social communication deficits and is not on the autism spectrum. Please advise us on how to respond or what to say during these tense interactions. Leaving a family party seems too dramatic and allows the behavior to “win” in a sense. Help!

Answer: Your nephew’s parents are building a monster.

I know you know this. I just wanted you to know that I do, too.

You already seem to be aware that you can’t change this kid's behavior at family gatherings. You are correct. Not only that, but if you were to use more aggressive means in this attempt, it would do nothing but severely damage you and your husband’s relationship with these family members.

The only action that can be done in this situation is to try to teach this kid’s parents that they need to start doing a better job with their kid. If you choose to do this, it will be a tremendous act of courage and kindness. The sooner these parents learn that they need to start teaching positive behaviors to their kid, the better chance they have to save the kid from being a Monster For Life.

Here’s how I would do it, in a conversation with just the three other parents involved.

Kid Whisperer: Thanks for talking with us. As we are all aware, there has been a lot of tension regarding Kid’s behavior, especially at family gatherings.

Parent-in-Law #1: I don’t want a lecture about Kid!

Kid Whisperer: I hear that. No one wants to be told how to raise their kid. We love you too much to do that. Since with each family gathering our relationship seems to suffer because of Kid’s behavior, we feel like we must set a limit about when we are willing to be at gatherings. We’ll stay around as long as Kid’s behavior is not causing a problem for our family. My spouse and I will decide whether the behavior causes a problem for us. If it does, we’ll leave calmly. After that, we’ll keep coming to gatherings, under those conditions. At some point, we may have to give up on this arrangement, and if we ever get to that point, we’d love to schedule getting together with the two of you as long as Kid isn’t there. We care too much about our relationship to keep doing something that damages that relationship.

Then, at the next gathering, when Kid punches your kid in the first 30 seconds of the visit:

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. OK, family, time to go. Who wants ice cream?

Exit family, stage right.

While you may fear that leaving the party reinforces the negative behavior, and you could be right, remember that you are training the parents—not the kid.

Could this hurt the relationship? Perhaps, but it will be hurt worse if you keep putting your family in this situation. This allows you to protect and take care of your family while giving Kid the best chance of getting the gift of parents who are willing to set and enforce limits.

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