Lori Borgman: It's snow problem; new weather terms are chill

Lori Borgman, Tribune News Service on Jan 7, 2025

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"Stay tuned for a weather impact update," says the man on the television.

I have problems with the word impact and not just because it's one of those words that can be both a noun and a verb. Impact always reminds me of when my brother was a toddler and shoved a Red Hot up his nose. The Red Hot was impacted and our mother had to carefully remove it. The episode was traumatic, and it wasn't even my nose.

According to which network you listen to, or which app you use, our weather impact this week will be 5 inches of snow, 6 inches of snow or two tons of Red Hots.

Personally, I follow a local amateur meteorologist on Facebook named Stubby. He has a good track record. Stubby predicts 8-13 inches of snow. He says -- and I quote -- "We are about to get our backsides kicked."

How can you not love a forecaster who frames weather impact in such easy-to-understand language?

About midafternoon, family texts began flying about which impact report to believe when one of our girls texted that her husband said if we get 13 inches of snow, he'll run around in the street naked.

I said to let us know if he does and I'll call the police so he can get his five seconds of fame. Of course, we all knew he was kidding.

I've noticed that weather terminology changes faster than the weather.

"Wind Chill Warnings" are now "Extreme Cold Warnings."

"Wind Chill Advisories" are now "Extreme Cold Weather Advisories."

The National Weather Service people want us to know that cold can be dangerous even without wind.

I'm going to miss "Wind Chill." It was a term loaded with fear and drama that could send chills racing down your spine. Or maybe that was just the cold.

The word "hard" has fallen on the trash heap as well. "Hard Freeze Watches" and "Hard Freeze Warnings" are now plain old "Freeze Watches" and "Freeze Warnings."

When these snow event warnings are issued, I've never grasped why everybody rushes to the grocery and dives for the eggs, milk and bread.

If you truly thought you might be snowbound, wouldn't you want something more substantial? I'm thinking a side of beef and large bags of carrots and potatoes.

Hold on. A friend just called and asked if I could drop off a dozen cage-free brown eggs before the storm. Again, it's probably just me, but I've never thought of scrambled eggs as a cold-weather comfort food.

In any case, the weather forecaster, I mean the meteorologist, on television is saying it will be dry until the first flake, which will not fall until tomorrow morning. I am looking outside as he speaks, watching large flakes pirouette like ballerinas.

Clearly there are no windows in the television studio.