Dear Kid Whisperer,

I have your book. There’s a lot in there about building relationships with students, and I’m wondering where to start. What is the single best way to build relationships with my first-grade students?

Answer: It will surprise you to know that I did not put the single most important and effective way to build relationships with students in my book.

This may seem strange since the name of the book is “The Classroom Behavior Manual: How to Build Relationships with Students, Share Control, and Teach Positive Behaviors.”

Why, you may ask, would I not put the single most important means of building relationships with students in a book that is, in large measure, a manual on how to build relationships with students?

The answer?

Sometimes I forget to do things.

I guess I should apologize to the tens of thousands of people who already bought the book.

Sorry, everybody.

Interestingly, this is the only piece of advice that refers to something I do naturally with kids that I’ve ever written about in this column. Here it is:

You should talk to kids as if they are adults.

That’s it. Always do this. Never don’t do this.

Of course, keep the subject matter of the conversation age-appropriate (conversations with kindergartners about your favorite brand of scotch are a bad idea), but how I talk to kids: the tone, my mannerisms, the level of respect and attention that I give, is the exact same way that I talk to adults.

Kids know when they are being talked down to, and they hate it. All kids see adults talking to each other, and all kids see adults talking to kids. When they have someone talk to them in the adult way, they tend to feel respected, even honored, and they will tend to act more like adults in all of the best ways: They tend to act more capable, and more responsibly.

Here's a piece that is tangentially related, but still important: Don’t stop using big words just because you’re talking to students! Kids have a better ability to acquire language and vocabulary than adults do. Let them figure out words from context, and take the time to explain what words mean when you can.

Another piece of the puzzle: Feel free to use sarcasm with your students, but not at your students. Light, good-natured sarcasm not pointed at anyone who goes to or is employed by your school can create a fun tone in the classroom.

Since you teach first grade, and for much of my career, I did too, let me give you a sample conversation that I remember from my classroom at Fairview Elementary School in Dayton, Ohio. For this true story, it is important to know that I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan, and that Kid is a Dallas Cowboys fan. By the way, this Kid is one of my favorite students I ever had, and if someone out there recognizes this conversation as one they had with me, send me an email!

This takes place on a Monday morning at my classroom door, after the Eagles had beaten the Cowboys the day before, as I’m giving students their “ticket” into my room: an ESPN Greeting (ESPN: Eye contact, Smile, Physical contact, and the saying of the student’s Name).

Kid Whisperer: Oh, my! Look who it is? It’s my good friend (Kid’s name here).

Kid stops walking. He smirks and looks to the ceiling.

Kid Whisperer: Well, well, well. Did you watch any good football yesterday, my friend?

Kid: I watched some football, but it wasn’t good.

Kid Whisperer (as he shakes Kid’s hand): I thought it was magnificent, triumphant, glorious!!

Kid: I bet you do.

Kid Whisperer: Kid, try not to have a bad day today. Just because you like a terrible, atrocious football team that has failed miserably, it’s no reason to get down about life.

Kid: Are you done?

Kid Whisperer (thinking hard for a moment): Yes, I think I’m done.

Of course, feel out what kids can handle and appreciate (Kid had a football coach for a dad and, I believe, 10 older siblings) but have fun talking with students like they are adults—and build a quality relationship at the same time!

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