ArcaMax

President Narrowly Elected Donald Trump wants to buy/annex/conquer/steal the entire country of Canada.

There is a lot to be said for this idea, principally because it's so magnificently stupid. It's not average stupid, like eating in a restaurant with rat traps in the dining room. It's stupid like ordering the ratatouille in a restaurant with...Read more

NEW ORLEANS QUESTION: What did you do for those beads?

ANSWER: I got run over by a truck and now I'm lying in the street like a busted Barbie.

Yeah. I know. It wasn't Mardi Gras, though everything in the United States now leads uphill to the cross.

I call 'em "Watermelons," those columns that come in like a slow ball over the plate, aimed ...Read more

Yeah. It was a hell of a Christmas. Elon Musk was in the manger, nursing greedily at Mary's exhausted body. One of the Wise Men was a crooked New York City real estate developer with an impossibly cotton candy combover, and Matt Gaetz was lustily pursuing the sheep who came to see the babe.

By the time the REAL apocalypse gets here, things ...Read more

What I've got is an "LED Santa Blow Mold With Warm White Light & Light Skin."

He stands a little over 2 feet tall.

So, what is it I've got?

It's one of those plastic Santas you put in your front yard, hopefully just during the Christmas season. The rest of the year, he lives in your garage, next to the bin for recyclables, just across from ...Read more

Money and power are persistent. They grind toward the twin goals of more money and power. They are not distracted, and they can identify their enemies.

The people, which is the rest of us, are not so focused. We're not always sure who our enemies are, and we're limited in the kinds of hell we can raise. The key feature of a "popular uprising"...Read more

When I was a high school kid in Missouri, around 1972 or so, there were people in our town who used the word "foreigner" to refer to anyone who spoke English with an accent or spoke no English at all. Some older people would say someone was "speaking foreign" if they spoke a language other than English.

Neither thing was necessarily meant as ...Read more

My wife and I just bought a house. The house we sold is in a city, just a three-minute drive from District Court. If you beat the murder rap, you can walk to my house in about 20 minutes. There's a methadone clinic a 10-minute walk away, too. Many clients of the court are also customers at the methadone clinic. We live in between the two. It's...Read more

I hadn't done much sanding in my life, but my wife and I bought a new house, and she asked me to sand the kitchen cabinets so she could paint. She likes to paint. I got a handheld electric sander and went to work.

Turns out I'm not a bad sander. She is mid-paint right now.

That's one of the things to remember in life. You don't know if you ...Read more

As an enemy of the people, or "journalist" as we were called in the pre-Trumpian eras of light, I am at some risk of being silenced. How soon? Well, that depends on how many Fox News commentators Trump appoints to his new administration.

But writers, like cockroaches, can survive nearly every adverse condition. In fact, if cockroaches could ...Read more

Someday, someone's going to have to remember.

If it's not too many years, it might not be that hard to remember, but if it's longer, it's going to be harder.

Someone will have to remember the old words, the words of The Constitution and Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. and all those old rusty amendments that let people vote.

And ...Read more

I used to drink tequila.

I drank it when I was a lot younger. I only drank it seriously for about six months, then I stopped, which is one of the reasons I got to be a lot older.

It had some romance, tequila did.

I drank it straight, out of a shot glass, with the salt and the lemon in the non-shot glass hand.

Drinking tequila that way, in ...Read more

The fake news and the corrupt Deep State FBI have convinced Americans that we have a lot of mass killings in this America. The fake figures are backed up by some communist university where the most popular course is taught by a drag queen. The course is called "God Sucks Let's Burn the Flag 101."

According to those very bad, deranged liars, ...Read more

Will they come at night? When I'm asleep next to my wife? When my cat Jack is curled up next to my ankles? Or in the daytime? When my wife is at work? When I'm at home reading and eating a bagel? Will I be gone when she gets home, and will she think I'm at the gym? Or will there be "signs of a struggle," as the newspapers say?

Presidential ...Read more