ArcaMax

The fake news and the corrupt Deep State FBI have convinced Americans that we have a lot of mass killings in this America. The fake figures are backed up by some communist university where the most popular course is taught by a drag queen. The course is called "God Sucks Let's Burn the Flag 101."

According to those very bad, deranged liars, there have been 32 mass killings in the USA this year.

Not true.

These Deep State very bad people say a mass killing is one in which four or more people die within a 24-hour period, not including the killer.

These numbers are based on fake un-American research.

First of all, FOUR people is a mass killing? This isn't Belgium, where chocolate-making half-men settle their differences by throwing pastry at each other until somebody gets a hangnail.

In America, four people isn't a mass killing; it's a family reunion gone bad. We have high-capacity magazines in this country. You only kill four-people, it's because your father bought you a pansy five-shot pistol when you turned 12.

So, to get a real reading on our mass killing magic number, you gotta up that total.

Ten dead is a mass killing. Four is the European number.

That oughta cut the total.

School shootings shouldn't count if you go to that school. That's an in-house thing. You didn't go after strangers; you went after people you knew and hated. Hate killings are American and do nothing to disturb the action movie-inspired social order.

Don't count teachers. All they do is indoctrinate your kids with communism. They deserve to die because they don't work in the summer like everyone else.

Don't count police officers. They're asking for it by running into gunfire, and anyway, they're on the clock, and they can retire in their 50s. If they wanted to, they could live through it. Everyone on the Uvalde, Texas, police force made it out alive.

It doesn't count if you only kill family members. Again, that's in-house. You got a gun, you start smoking meth, and you remember what your brother Brian said to you at the family reunion last year. Next thing you know, you've driven over to his house and killed him, his wife and their two kids. The general public is in no danger from Brian.

In addition, don't count any killing done with an illegally obtained gun. Criminals don't obey gun laws, which doesn't mean anything but has to be said whenever anyone shoots anyone with an illegally obtained gun. I say "illegally obtained" because there's no such thing as an "illegal gun." Whaddaya think, there's an illegal gun factory somewhere? Guns are like your meth-smoking cousin Brian. They start out in a suburban home, but they end up in bad neighborhoods, usually because of drugs.

And what's the 24-hour period thing? You want to be counted as a mass killing victim, you gotta die right there on the floor of your second-grade classroom, or it doesn't count. None of this dying in the hospital 18 hours later. Hospitals are full of germs, and kids catch everything, particularly when you got nine of them hiding in the same supply closet.

See? Nothing to worry about. You figure this my way, you had maybe two mass killings in the United States this year.

It's a safe country. Well, except for those raping, dog-munching migrants. They're very bad people.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.