ArcaMax

President Narrowly Elected Donald Trump wants to buy/annex/conquer/steal the entire country of Canada.

There is a lot to be said for this idea, principally because it's so magnificently stupid. It's not average stupid, like eating in a restaurant with rat traps in the dining room. It's stupid like ordering the ratatouille in a restaurant with rat traps in the dining room.

I'm not sure why Trump wants Canada. Maine is a lot like Canada, and were not doing much with Maine.

Still, the deal has pros and cons.

To start with, if we're going to take Canada, it's good to remember that the United States military hasn't won a major war since 1945. People tell me America won Desert Storm, but if we won, why did we have to go back a few years later and fight the same people and lose? We build memorials to the dead in this country because there's no reason to build monuments to victory. The Canadians might give us more trouble than we're expecting.

It's bad enough losing to the Afghans, but at least they're far away. We lose to Canada, and they're right on the other side of the line, making rude gestures at us and holding up signs that say, "We beat you, eh?"

Also, Canada comes with foreigners. My pop's family is completely French Canadian. They don't speak English unless someone makes them. You think we got problems with Mexicans who won't learn how to speak American? French Canadians don't even like speaking Canadian, and it's a good bet they won't like speaking American. And you can't deport 'em. They're FROM Canada. You think you can explain that to Donald Trump? I don't.

The smartest thing to do is sell Alaska to Canada and then conquer Canada. That way we get Canada, we get Alaska back, and we get to keep the money Canada paid us for Alaska. Then, we take the money we got from selling Alaska to Canada, and we use it to buy Greenland. That gives us Canada, Alaska and Greenland. We can deport the French-Canadians to Mexico, which is where we want to deport all the other foreigners except tech workers who make more money than Trump voters who work at Walmart.

I was born in America, and I've lived here a long time. One thing I can tell you is that right now is the most hopeful time to live in this country.

Why?

Because nothing is so ridiculous that it won't be at least considered.

Used to be, if you said something outright, stew-thick stupid, people would just laugh, and the people in the front office would see to it that you never got promoted to foreman of the loading dock.

But if you think we've given a lot of rights to Black people, gay people and drag queens, look what we've done for the stupid.

The stupid are out of the closet and swinging on the monkey bars. There are no qualifications for anything anymore.

People said the guy who invented World War I would never be able to sell it, but by the time he was done, it was a war for the whole world. You think they didn't call that guy stupid? Sure they did, but he was too stupid to listen.

Well, that's enough words for a newspaper column. I think I'll knock off work and have a hot beverage, maybe a steaming hot cup of battery acid. People say I'm stupid, but I think it'll be more popular than coffee by the time I get out of the hospital.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.