Parenting Is Like Gardening: Results Don't Happen Overnight

Q: Our baby girl has been a delight. But when she hit the "terrible twos," everything changed. We've heard this is fairly common and know it's "just a stage" that we'll get through. But right now it's exhausting and discouraging. Do you have any advice for keeping the right perspective?

Jim: Many parents can relate! I'll share an example that I heard from singer Phil Joel and his wife, Heather. The Joels' first son was a model baby -- smiling, sleeping through the night, and loving to be held. Then his pleasant disposition vanished as he became a toddler.

That's when Phil and Heather had the epiphany that parenting is a lot like gardening. The analogy illustrates that we plant seeds of love in our children, so their lives will flourish and grow. But as any gardener can tell you, positive results don't happen overnight. Success requires consistent labor and attention, rain or shine. And it's not just the seeds you plant that sprout -- you'll probably be dealing with weeds as well.

"Weeds" can take many forms in our children's lives. Whether from negative cultural influences, or an "all-about-me" selfishness, these things often choke out the positive seeds of love and encouragement we're trying to cultivate. That's why we need to dig beneath the surface of an issue to see and effect lasting change. When we ignore the weeds, they just grow deeper and become harder to uproot.

As we carefully dig out encroaching attitudes and influences, giving our children the emotional and spiritual care and space they need, they can flower into the healthy, thriving people they were created to be.

Raising children is seldom easy, but it's one of the most rewarding things you can do in life. With your loving care -- and your willingness to confront the negative influences that threaten their well-being -- your kids can develop into mature adults of character.

For more tips to help your children thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My wife and I have been married for several years. We've both had high hopes for what we want our relationship to be and thought we were well-prepared. But so far, we haven't found the balance we desire. Help?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is actually a very common scenario. And in many cases, the problem may be one of extremes.

We tend to forget that our upbringing has a significant influence on how we behave in our own marriage. For example, someone raised in a troubled home likely grew up with parents who constantly fought with one another. When that child reaches adulthood, they may do everything possible to avoid interacting as their parents did -- such as refusing to engage in conflict, even if it means they never express their opinion in the relationship.

In contrast, there's also a downside to growing up with parents who never allowed their conflict to be seen. Kids from these homes often feel their relationships have to be a carbon copies of their parents. So, when the first disagreement inevitably pops up in their marriage, they feel like failures and believe everything is lost before it even gets started.

Letting your expectations swing to either extreme can adversely affect (or even destroy) your relationship. The best solution is to find healthy middle ground. In other words, don't focus on fleeing the negativity of your past. But don't spend all of your energy trying to recreate the good parts, either.

Every marriage is unique. You and your spouse need to find an identity and "style" for your relationship that best fits your personalities. That's the only way to build a successful marriage.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.