Adult Daughter Has Decided To Move Back With Parents

Q: My husband and I have been looking forward to the freedom of an "empty nest." But suddenly our adult daughter has decided that she needs to come back and "get her life together before moving on to the next step." We have no idea what that means, exactly, or how long she's planning to stay. Do you have any advice?

Jim: You're certainly not alone. Census figures show that millions of "almost-empty-nesters" now find themselves with at least one grown child living at home. In fact, experts call it the "boomerang generation." Some come back hoping to save money. Others return so they can take time to search for the perfect job. Still others may need a refuge from personal problems and career or relational setbacks.

There isn't necessarily anything "wrong" or "abnormal" about accepting a previously launched child back into your home. Take comfort in the thought that it's just a temporary situation -- and be thankful that your daughter likes you enough to want to come back. She clearly sees home as a safe, accepting place to be while she regroups, and that's a positive thing.

That said, there are several practical measures you can and should implement to minimize conflict -- and maximize the opportunity to strengthen family bonds while she's with you.

Start by clarifying your household standards. Do this as early as possible to prevent friction later on. You might even want to spell things out in a brief contract for everyone to sign. Make sure that the contract specifies consequences for crossing boundaries. At the same time, don't forget that these rules should be different than the ones you put in place when your child was a minor. For example, curfews aren't appropriate for an adult. As long as your grown child acts responsibly -- holding a job if she can, contributing financially or helping with meals and household chores -- she deserves the same freedom to come and go as any adult. Respect her personal preferences and boundaries.

Don't be afraid to ask straightforward questions during this conversation. How long does your daughter envision staying with you? What would you both consider reasonable rent? If rent isn't an issue, how will she specifically contribute to the cost of food and household expenses? What chores will she be expected to carry out?

You didn't mention any specific concerns or problems, but common sense says that you shouldn't enable a grown child who's merely trying to avoid adult responsibilities. Obviously, if your daughter is dealing with more serious issues -- addictions or mental and emotional illness -- then you'll probably need to seek intervention or enlist professional help. But if she just seems a little too comfortable at home, I'd strongly suggest setting a move-out deadline (and sticking to it). Knowing the clock is ticking at the "Mom and Pop Hotel" may be exactly the motivation she needs to get serious about "moving on to the next step."

Finally, a few things to keep in mind as you interact with your daughter:

-- Trust her to make wise choices -- even when she doesn't. After all, she is an adult now.

-- Resist the (perhaps natural) impulse to give advice, unless it's requested.

-- Remember, communication is key. Set a regular time to discuss issues, clarify expectations or simply clear the air.

-- Give each other space and grace. Three or more adults living in one house is a challenge, whether you're related or not!

If you need further assistance in sorting all this out, our staff counselors would be happy to provide a one-time free consultation. Call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays. I wish you the best.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.