Ask Anna: How to handle friends who make hurtful LGBTQ+ comments

Dear Anna,

I’m a 29-year-old queer, nonbinary femme. I’m a pretty quiet and introverted person, so making friends has never been easy for me. Right now, I only have two close friends, and although that might sound sad, I value these friendships deeply because they’re all I have.

Here’s my dilemma: My friends misgender me and occasionally make homophobic jokes and comments, usually in a playful manner directed at each other. To fit in, I often laugh along, but it’s starting to get to me. I’m afraid to speak up about this, out of fear they’ll reject me and I’ll be left without any friends at all. But it hurts my feelings when they make these comments or share memes that mock queer culture. How can I deal with this situation? — Lonely and Lost

Dear LL,

It’s never easy to confront people we care about, so good on you for taking this first hard step. Your sensitivity and introspection are strengths, not weaknesses.

Secondly, let me make one point. You mentioned that you only have two close friends and that that was “sad,” but I want you to know that the quality of your friendships is far more important than the quantity.

Valuing your friendships deeply is a testament to your loyalty and capacity for meaningful connections. It’s clear you’re someone who cherishes authenticity and genuine bonds. These are worthwhile traits to remember as you navigate this tricky sitch.

OK, onto your dilemma.

When friends make jokes or comments that clash with your gender and sexual identity, it can feel like a betrayal, especially when they know that queerness is important to your identity and sense of self.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. Sometimes, people make insensitive jokes without realizing the impact they have, or they may not fully grasp the depth of their words. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but might make confronting your friends a little easier. And even though you’re dreading it, it’s important for your well-being that you address their comments.

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