Here’s a step-by-step approach to navigate this situation:

Before having any conversations, spend some time reflecting on how their comments make you feel. Write down your thoughts if that helps. Understanding your emotions will give you clarity and confidence when you talk to your friends.

Find a calm, private time to talk to each friend individually. Avoid bringing this up in the heat of the moment or during one of their joking sessions, as it might not be taken seriously or backfire. A one-on-one setting often leads to more thoughtful and sincere discussions.

To avoid sounding accusatory, which can make people defensive and not as receptive to listening, use “I” statements. For example, “I feel hurt when you misgender me because it makes me feel like you don’t accept me.” This way, you’re sharing your personal experience rather than attacking their character.

Let them know that you value their friendship and would appreciate their support in respecting your identity. You can say something like, “I care about our friendship, and I hope you can understand why these comments affect me. Can we avoid making jokes about LGBTQ+ people, even if you don’t mean to offend?”

Pay attention to how they react. True friends will make an effort to understand and change their behavior once they realize how much it hurts you. If they dismiss your feelings or react negatively, it may be a sign that the friendship isn’t as supportive as you need it to be.

Speaking of friendships, it’s likely time to expand your inner circle.

Shy and introverted people need community just as much as the next person. Look for other supportive places where your identity is respected and celebrated. This could be LGBTQ+ support groups, online communities or through activities and interests that attract like-minded people. Expanding your social network can reduce the pressure on your current friendships and introduce you to people who understand and support you without reservation.

Also, make time for activities that affirm your identity and boost your confidence. Engage in hobbies, read books with nonbinary people/characters — this list may be a good starting point — or watch shows and movies with positive queer representation. These can remind you of your worth and help you stay connected to your true self.

Sometimes, allies can help bridge the gap. If there’s someone in your extended circle (i.e., a friend of one of your two friends) who you think might be supportive, consider sharing your concerns with them. They might offer valuable perspective or even help communicate your feelings to your friends.

Facing the possibility of rejection is daunting, but remember, you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and value you for who you are. If your friends are unwilling to change or support you, it might be painful but necessary to reevaluate those relationships. You deserve friendships that nurture your spirit and align with your values. Anything less is going to have far worse outcomes and consequences in the long term, especially in regard to your well-being.

In the words of Maya Angelou, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” By standing up for yourself, you’re asserting your right to live authentically and with dignity. It’s a powerful step toward building a life where your identity is honored and celebrated.

Stay true to yourself, and remember, you are worthy of friendships that embrace you fully, without condition or compromise.

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