Question: “I have been dating someone for three months, and we’re exclusive (not seeing other people). I’m ready to define the relationship (DTR) but don’t want to lose him if he’s not ready. How to have the talk?”

My response:

“For better or for worse (and I hope better, of course!), that's a risk you're going to have to take. I don't want you not having your needs fulfilled—in this case, it sounds like a label on the relationship—because you are afraid of the other person's reaction.

"If you are exclusive, why do you think the two of you are not on the same page about what I presume is labels?

"Here’s how you might approach it: 'I've really been enjoying everything we've been doing, and I love being exclusive with you. I just want to make sure we are on the same page about what that means to both of us. For me, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend/partner. What do you think?' Simple, direct and honest.

"If he is, in fact, not ready, which, given your hesitancy, seems somewhat likely, then it's up to you to decide how to move forward or not. What I don't want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. Feel free to read that last sentence again. What I don't want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. You’re sharing your life with this person, at least at this moment in time, so start with sharing your thoughts and feelings.

"Lastly, I would prefer that the whole exclusivity/label conversation happens together so you don't have this in-between period of being exclusive but wondering what the heck you are. It happens more often than one might think."

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That’s as far as I got with my response to the question, but I want to add that it’s actually quite common these days for couples to agree to exclusivity—no dating or sleeping with other people—without fully defining the relationship. Labels, dating app statuses, introductions to friends and family? All left in limbo. While some people are OK with ambiguity (often the person who is more reticent to commit), others find it leaves them feeling confused and wanting more.

When you do decide to have this conversation, I encourage you to cover all the bases:

--What does exclusivity mean to each of you? (It’s so important to be on the same page here.)

--Are you ready to fully take down or only pause your dating app profiles? (This seemingly small distinction makes a huge difference.)

--How would you like to introduce each other to friends or family? (“Boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” something else?)

--What are your expectations for the relationship moving forward?

Leaving these topics unspoken can lead to unmet expectations, like in the original question. And if you’re not ready to dive into all of this yet, that’s OK, too. Wait until you feel ready. Assuming no one is putting pressure on you, take your time. I only want you to become exclusive with someone if you are already getting the behaviors you want, and now the titles just equal what you’re already doing.

If, however, you’re feeling anxious about things, and you think that becoming exclusive or defining the relationship will quell your nerves and make you feel more stable, it won’t. Whatever behavior you’re getting before exclusivity or defining the relationship is the behavior you’re going to be getting after exclusivity, but probably amplified.

One more point that may provide some comfort: Nothing in life—or in relationships anyway—is irreversible. If you both decide to define the relationship and it doesn’t feel quite right later (even if that “later” is shortly after this conversation), you can always adjust course. Relationships are a process of discovery, and defining it is just one step.

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