A few years ago, I received this emotional question from a former client. I appreciated how she allowed herself to express her feelings in such a raw manner and thought it might be applicable to other readers.

“I’m really struggling with my love life lately. Over the weekend, my family got together for my mom’s birthday, and both of my sisters had their boyfriends there. I ended up feeling like the odd one out, which only got worse when my mom pulled me aside later and said it was obvious that I was upset about being single, and she was worried that my mood was bringing others down. [eye roll] To top it off, two of my closest friends just got engaged in the last month. I know I should be happy for them, and I kind of am… but I’m really not.

"I’m trying to put myself out there, but every date I go on either leads to disappointment or ends with me being ghosted. I feel like I’ve hit a wall—I’m scared I’ll have to choose between settling for someone who doesn’t feel right to me just to have someone or staying single forever and dying alone.

"I’m dating more often and meeting better people, but I haven’t had a second date in what feels like forever, and I’m starting to lose hope. I desperately want to find someone, but more than anything, I want to feel better about myself again. The problem is, I have no idea how to get there, and I feel like I keep digging myself deeper and deeper.”

My Advice:

Thank you for sharing all of this with me. I know it couldn’t have been easy to put that all into words.

The first thing I want to say is that you are not alone. I don't know anyone who hasn't gone through a period of feeling sad or jealous when everyone else seems to be in a relationship and you're not. So, I want you to remember that you're in good company.

Next, I want you to think about why it's so important to you to meet someone. Do you think a partner will complete you? Because that's unrealistic and unfair to anyone else to have that burden. You are the only one who can complete you. And once that happens, you'll not only be a happier person, but you'll also be a better date and better partner. People are drawn to others who have a life going for them, separate and apart from their relationship status. I know on paper you have all of those things—you’re amazing—but mentally, you don't. I know you said that in the short-term you want to feel better about yourself but don't have a plan to get there. The first step in this whole process should be making that plan to get there. A therapist can help (do you have a good one?) to address some of this. The self-loathing woman you described isn't helpful to you and isn't attractive to a potential partner. You need to come first.

Now, as for not getting second dates, I don't know what's going on there, but I do believe that a good part of it is confidence. You want it so badly, and people can smell that, which isn't a turn-on. You're a catch, and you have a lot to offer. Remember that. The man isn't always the prize—you are, too. You also make it harder on yourself because you see everything short of a long-term relationship as a "failure." That's just not true. There is so much incremental progress that you're ignoring. Like you said, you've gone on a lot more dates, and with better quality people. There's something to be said for that. Give yourself credit.

Really ask yourself these questions: How will a partner make my life better? What things can I do to make my life better in the absence of a partner? What do I offer a partner? And, most importantly, would I date me?

Lastly, let go of the pressure of timelines. Life rarely unfolds according to the plans we make, and that’s OK. Try to focus on being present in the here and now. The more you invest in enjoying the moment, the better your dating experiences will be.

I’m confident you will neither settle nor die alone. Keep moving forward, and remember, I’m here to support you whenever you need it.

©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC