Dear Anna,

One of my closest friends has been pulling away from our friendship over the last few years. It’s nothing overt or dramatic, but there’s a subtle withdrawal happening. She barely texts me anymore, and it used to be daily. She’s stopped initiating plans, and in the rare instances when we do hang out, she seems kind of distracted and surface-y, like we’re acquaintances and not good friends who’ve known each other for years. I get that life is busy, and people change, but it feels like I’m holding onto something that’s slipping away. It’s really been weighing on me. Is she “quiet quitting” me? If so, how can I approach this situation? Or do I need to let her go? — Seeking Help Here

Dear SHH,

It’s an unsettling feeling, for sure, when someone you love starts slipping away, especially when it happens quietly, without explanation. In some cases, that slow erosion of closeness hurts more than some epic blowout fight — the texts that go unanswered, the plans that never get made. It leaves you in limbo, questioning what’s gone wrong, or worse, wondering if you’ve done something to offend or piss them off.

The term "quiet quitting" might be new, but the feeling isn’t. Originally, it referred to employees doing the bare minimum at work without actually quitting. In friendships or romantic relationships, it’s a slow fade where they haven’t left outright, but their heart isn’t in it anymore.

It sounds like that might be what’s happening here. Your friend isn’t actively cutting ties, but the connection you once had isn’t what it used to be. She doesn’t text as much, and when you hang out, it feels more obligatory than genuine. Even if it’s not intentional on your friend’s part, it’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt by this slow drift into casual acquaintance-dom. The first step here is to resist the urge to interpret her pulling away as a personal failure. Life has its way of reshuffling priorities, and sometimes, people’s emotional bandwidth just shrinks, whether due to stress, changes in their life situation, or even internal struggles they haven’t shared with you.

Now, how do you approach this? First, I suggest checking in with yourself. What do you want out of this friendship moving forward? Is it possible to adjust your expectations if her capacity to engage has changed, or do you need more from her than she’s currently giving? Once you’re clear on that, you can have a candid conversation. It doesn’t have to be confrontational — try something like, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been as close lately, and I miss our connection. Is everything OK with you?” This opens the door for her to share what might be going on beneath the surface, without putting her on the defensive.

It’s also important to acknowledge that people grow and shift in their needs. What worked for your friendship before might not feel as natural now. If your friend expresses that she’s been overwhelmed or has different priorities, ask if there’s a way to stay connected that feels manageable for both of you. Maybe instead of daily texting, you schedule a monthly coffee date. Friendships evolve, and sometimes it’s about finding a new rhythm rather than expecting things to return to how they once were.

But let’s say she’s unwilling to engage, or the conversation doesn’t give you the clarity you’re hoping for. It might be time to consider that this friendship, as it once was, is reaching its natural end. And that’s OK too. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Sometimes, letting go of a friendship that no longer nurtures you can be a way to make room for new, more fulfilling connections.

Ultimately, whether you’re recalibrating or releasing, trust that this process is a chance to focus on friendships where the investment flows both ways. You deserve people who show up for you with the same energy and care that you give them.

©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.