There’s not much worse than the feeling of being ghosted when online dating. (For the uninitiated, consider yourself lucky, but “ghosting” is when someone you’ve been chatting with or seeing completely disappears on you without warning — no “nice meeting you but I don’t see a connection” text or anything. Just stops responding and poof — is gone.) But sometimes life gets hectic, and online dating takes a backseat.

If you’re on the receiving end of the ghosting, especially with someone who you saw a lot of potential with, it’s easy for your mind to spiral: What did I say wrong? Should I have done things differently? Did they find someone new and more interesting? And yes, sometimes people are cowards and cut off a conversation by unmatching or blocking you instead of doing the mature thing of stating politely that there’s no longer an interest for whatever reason.

When you’re in this situation, it’s important not to take it personally and not to let it eat up too much of your energy. If someone has disappeared on you, it’s OK to reach out once last time by saying something like, “Hey! I had been enjoying our conversation. Were you still interested in connecting?” If they respond, great. If they don’t, you gave it a shot and it’s time to move forward.

Other times, you might be the one who is doing the ghosting. Maybe you just don’t feel like messaging with a person anymore — perhaps you saw a red flag or found a stronger connection that you want to pursue — and stop replying or block them to end things.

But this isn’t the best way to go.

Getting ghosted is awful, so it’s important to make sure you’re not the person doing it. It never hurts to send a polite and clear message. For example, “It’s been great chatting, but I’m not sensing that we’re a match. Wish you the best!” That should be the end of it, but if the other person starts asking for reasons or getting aggressive, hit that block button.

Then there are the occasions where you stop answering someone online by accident. We all have days (or weeks… or months) where our schedule is packed and Bumble becomes a forgotten app. When you finally open it up again, you find that you left a match on read.

Even if a month or two has passed, it’s worth checking back in and being honest about dropping the ball. You could say, “Hey there. Sorry for the delay. Life got the best of me! Any interest in picking this back up… maybe in person?” Then dive back into the discussion.

Hopefully you’re able to pick up where you left off, but accidentally ghosting someone means they might not be open to continuing the conversation. They may have felt hurt, or they may have found a new connection in the time you were away. If they don’t respond, again, it’s time to look ahead for new opportunities.

If you find that you’re a serial ghoster, especially by accident, you might want to build some time to dedicate to online dating into your routine. Maybe you decide that every odd number date, you will spend 20 minutes checking your apps — so when you look at a calendar and notice it’s the 3rd of the month, you remember to go through your messages and make sure you’re not missing anything. If that’s not enough, set calendar alerts to remind yourself.

When it comes to online dating, complete silence is the most confusing thing. It leaves so much room for interpretation… and for your/the other person’s mind to go straight to the worst-case scenario. If you’re getting ghosted, remind yourself not to take these things personally. If you’re doing the ghosting, it’s time to change your habits.

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