“How can I write in my online dating profile to attract the type of person I’m looking for?”

This is a question I get, in some form or another, from clients almost daily. In their mind, they have a target partner. Let’s say this “target” is a man in his 60s, well-educated, with grown children, and lives in Philadelphia. Or maybe this “target” is a woman in her 30s who is open to dating men with kids but also wants to have her own, lives in Chicago, likes both cats and dogs, and has been to at least three music festivals in the last year.

First, we have a small problem. While it may be true that everyone has a “type” (though I might argue it’s more of a “pattern”), I would not recommend being so narrow as to only look for who you think you want, or should want, to be with. Or maybe you’re looking for some replica of a past partner. Someone may very well surprise you who is outside your normal realm of preferences.

But we also have a bigger problem…

The issue with wanting to write a dating profile to attract a certain type of person is that—wait for it—we have no idea what the person you’re looking for is actually looking for! (Feel free to read that again to let it sink in.)

I got this email the recently from a client:

“It just occurred to me that the last woman I dated was interested in my scuba diving picture from the beginning. It was the first thing she asked about, and we initially bonded over our shared experience in water adventures. I'm looking for a woman who is as physically adventurous as I am, which means I'd like her to be comfortable with the risk level of scuba diving even if she's not interested in that particular activity. (Though I haven’t been diving in probably six years.) Would you feel comfortable asking some of your single female friends if they think it's a good fit for the profile?”

I’ve certainly never gotten that request before! But here’s the thing: No singular response is representative of “the type of woman” he’s looking for. I replied very simply:

“Thanks for asking! Here's what I will ask you: Is scuba diving a representative part of your life? If yes, then we should include it. If not, then we shouldn't. We could ask 10 women and get five for it and five against it, so what really matters is how well it gets to who you are.”

Swap scuba diving for anything, and the same is true. Your profile should represent who you are, not try to game the system into attracting someone in particular. Because whatever we think that person wants, we’re probably wrong. So just be yourself! The people who are attracted to you are the ones who like you for you, not because you tried to fit yourself into some mold.

Let’s revisit the earlier example of the “target” man in his 60s. You might think:

“Given his level of education, he’s probably looking for someone else well-educated, so I’ll play up the fact that I have a Ph.D.”

“He likely prefers someone who also lives in the city, so I’ll mention that I own my home in Rittenhouse Square.”

“He might value someone who has a more serious/professional side, so I’ll include a photo of me giving a presentation to the board at work.”

But here’s the truth: This man might actually prefer a woman who isn’t so career-focused, lives in the suburbs, and has a passion for dancing or yoga. The point is—we just don’t know.

So, be yourself. Make sure your profile and photos reflect who you are today—not an aspirational version of you, or a version trying to fit into someone else’s ideal.

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