Dear Anna,

I recently started dating someone who's polyamorous. I've always been monogamous but I find myself intrigued by the possibility of exploring this with her. However, I'm worried about jealousy and whether I'm considering this for the right reasons. How do I know if I'm genuinely open to polyamory or just afraid of losing her? — Mono Maybe No More

Dear MMNM,

That’s a tough one, and the answer might be some flavor of both. It’s really difficult to suss out whether you are genuinely interested in changing your relationship model or are just really into this person who happens to be poly. It's like being offered an exotic dish you've never tried before — except for your heart/genitals. Will you like it? Will you ralph? Will you initially balk but slowly start to appreciate the unique tastes?

First, let's acknowledge something important: It's normal to question whether you're exploring polyamory out of genuine interest or fear of loss. The fact that you're asking this question shows you're approaching this thoughtfully rather than diving in headfirst because your crush suggested it while straddling you.

Before you decide to dip your toes in the poly pool, consider these questions (preferably with a journal, your favorite comfort beverage and some truth serum):

—If this person wasn't in the picture, would polyamory interest you? Try to imagine yourself in a poly relationship with completely different people.

—Does the idea of forming deep connections with multiple people excite you — or does it feel like a compromise you’re making to keep someone else happy?

—How do you feel about your partner having other romantic and/or sexual relationships? Not in theory, but in vivid, "They're getting ready for a date with someone else right now" detail?

—What's your relationship with jealousy like? (Note: Being jealous doesn't disqualify you from polyamory — everyone experiences jealousy. It's about how you handle it. What emotions bubble up? Fear? Curiosity? Heartbreak? Maybe a mix of all three? Being honest with yourself about these feelings is important and can help you address them. (The book recs below might also help.)

Here's some practical advice for exploration:

1. Read up on polyamory. "The Ethical Slut," "Opening Up" and "Polysecure" are good jumping-off points. "Multiamory" is a great podcast on the topic. (And they have a book, too.)

2. Read/join some poly discussion groups, too, while you’re at it. Talking to other poly people about their experiences — especially the challenging parts — is helpful.

3. Get crystal clear on what your potential partner's version of polyamory looks like. Are they looking for kitchen-table polyamory where everyone's friends? Parallel polyamory where relationships are separate? Knowing her vision will help you assess whether it aligns with yours.

All that said, as much as you read and prepare, nothing compares to real-life experience. You can and should start slow. Think of it as a trial run, letting your partner know you might need to hang out in the kiddie pool with floaties for a bit before diving in. No shame in that.

The first time my partner went on a date with someone else, I felt like I was going to die. But I didn’t, and they came back, and our relationship survived and eventually I started going on dates, too. So, remember that nothing you do for the first time is ever easy. Some things take a little getting used to. This isn’t to say you should force yourself to do something that’s deeply uncomfortable or upsetting, just that you might want to challenge your assumptions from time to time to see if they still hold weight.

Remember also that polyamory isn’t “more evolved,” and monogamy isn’t “old-fashioned.” They’re just different paths. The important thing is finding what feels right for you. And if that path isn’t polyamory, that doesn’t make you less open-minded or adventurous. A relationship where you feel secure and respected is always the right choice.

Finally, if you decide polyamory isn’t for you, don’t let guilt cloud your decision. Being honest about your needs — even if it means parting ways — is the most loving thing you can do for both yourself and your partner.

Wishing you courage, clarity and maybe a color-coded calendar if you take the plunge.

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