Dear Anna,

I'm a 28-year-old straight man living with an invisible disability — I have epilepsy. I've recently started using dating apps again after taking a break, and I'm unsure how to address my disability in my profile and conversations. I want to be open, but I'm worried about being judged or overlooked because of my condition. How should I mention my epilepsy in a way that feels natural and doesn't define my entire identity? Should I put it in my bio or wait to share in person? I also wonder when is the right time to bring it up in conversations with potential matches. Thank you — Looking For Love

Dear LFL,

Dating (and dating apps) are already challenging, even for the ablest among us, and it can be especially hard to know when and how to disclose a disability, particularly an invisible one, like epilepsy.

(I’m in a similar camp — hearing aid user. Invisibles represent!)

There’s not a one-size-fits-all answer, as what to do ultimately depends on your unique situation, your comfort levels, readiness and gut feelings, but I admire and respect your wanting to be open and honest with potential dates, so let’s explore some ways to do that.

First, consider how much information you want to share on your profile. You could post a simple mention in your bio. For instance, you might say, “Living with epilepsy, but it doesn’t define me.” This approach is straightforward and signals to potential matches that you’re open about your condition without making it the focus of your profile.

Disclosing upfront might cause a few people to swipe left, but frankly, that’s better in the long run. It saves you time and energy — and weeds out the mismatches without you having to do anything, so you’re not wasting labor on people who are going to blanket-dismiss you based on this one thing.

When I was on the apps, I tended to not disclose my hearing loss in my bio. Mostly because I had so little space to begin with and I wanted to focus on other aspects of compatibility. But, as I said, everyone’s different, and you might find that it’s easier and less stressful to be upfront about it.

If you do go the conversation route, timing is key. You don’t have to bring up your epilepsy immediately. Allow the conversation to flow naturally and wait until you feel a connection starting to form. A good time to bring it up might be when discussing your daily lives, health or personal experiences. You could say something like, “I wanted to share something personal with you — I have epilepsy. It’s well-managed, but I think it’s important for you to know.” This shows that you trust them with personal information and gives them a chance to understand you better.

I waited almost five weeks before I told my now-wife about my disability. This was partly because it was the pandemic and we were on video, which created weirdly great conditions for me to hear her — well lit, quiet and I could see her lips the whole time! — but partly it’s just a comfort thing. It can be really scary the first time! So don’t feel the need to rush or confess. When it feels right, it’s right.

You might find it helpful to have answers to common questions at the ready: like how often you have seizures, what triggers them and how someone can support you if you have a seizure (or how they can support you generally).

Some people may need a little time to process this information, and that’s OK. Just remember that your disability doesn’t define your worth or the value of your relationships.

Dating is very much an emotional roller coaster: full of excitement, rushes, disappointment, ghosting, rejection and waiting, waiting, waiting. Remember, as you strap yourself in, that this is all part of the ride. Finding meaningful connection often entails encountering a lot of duds. This isn’t on you. You are not defined by your differences, as tempting as it is to tell yourself otherwise — particularly when things go wrong.

The right person/s will accept and support you for who you are, including your epilepsy. As Brene Brown put it: “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” Your courage to be open will lead you to the meaningful connections you deserve.

P.S. If you haven’t already, you might seek out some online epilepsy support groups for advice, camaraderie or even just a place to vent. The Epilepsy Foundation offers resources and support networks. (They have an under 30 group, too). Reddit has many subgroups as well.

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