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You didn't do anything wrong.

Not much, anyway. And what you did screw up really wasn't your fault.

Still, you got the blame. Worse, you got the PIP.

PIP. It stands for "performance improvement plan." While a PIP is supposed to be a positive, proactive mechanism for erasing blunders and securing your future with the company, it can also be a negative, as in, "We want to fire you, but HR won't let us do it until we pretend we want to save your job, so we're giving you a totally unrealistic time limit to change pretty much everything about who you are and how you work, which we know is impossible, and then we will fire you, which is what we wanted to do in the first place."

Yeah, that kind of thing.

According to Michelle Y. Costello, author of "Your Boss Put You on a Performance Improvement Plan, Now What?" an article on the website of Fast Company, a PIP is "like being put on probation when you're in school -- you're going to be watched closely during this period."

And like being in school, any mistakes you make going forward will go on your permanent record. Don't show enough improvement and you'll not only be fired, but HR will steal your lunch money and give you a wedgy. Ouch!

If a PIP is in your future or if you are already drowning in one, here are some pro tips that could get you safely to the other side.

No. 1: Check in if you don't want to check out.

The natural human reaction to being put on a PIP is to run away as far and as fast as you can. This is not the right approach. As horrible as it sounds, you should spend as much time with your mean manager as your stomach can stand.

You don't have to wait until you've had a major achievement. It's quantity, not quality, that counts here.

"It's another day of accomplishment," you say, bursting into your manager's office. "Look! I sharpened this pencil all by myself!"

Aim for two or three updates a day, and don't forget to throw in a surprise weekend visit at your manager's home. Drop-ins are not welcome under ordinary business conditions, but when you're in PIP mode, it really shows you care.

No. 2: Ask questions.

Just because you have no accomplishments to report doesn't mean you should shy away from nonstop interfacing with your manager. "How am I doing?" is a valid question at any time of day (or night). Your manager will not be able to resist giving you advice on how to do your job better. This gives you something to talk about on your next drop-in.

"How am I doing," you can ask, adding "on the thing you said I should do last time I asked you how am I doing?"

A question like this can carry you through the entire PIP, eventually getting you to "How am I doing on what you said I should be doing when I asked you what to do about what you said I should I be doing when I need to do something about what you said."

Keep it up long enough and your manager is sure to void your PIP, and, most likely, take a long medical leave.

No. 3: Share the blame.

"Find someone who's awesome at what you struggled with and pick their brains about how you can change your strategy," advises Costello. I agree. This will give you a group of high achievers whose work you can steal, or, better, blame.

No. 4: Change from the outside in.

It isn't easy changing your work style. It's quite easy to change your fashion style; all it takes is money. If you are currently an athleisure type, come to work in a tuxedo, or a ball gown or both. If you are most comfortable in muted tones, go for bright colors, especially Viva Magenta. The 2023 Pantone color of the year will make you look like a giant eggplant, and no one would ever fire an eggplant.

No. 5: Maybe they're right.

If the strategies above don't work and your PIP is pooping out, you might as well make the changes to your performance that have been requested. It will take commitment and effort, but with a PIP to motivate you, it is possible to become the kind of employee your company wants you to be.

You'll keep your job, but you sure will miss those wedgies.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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