ArcaMax

More "thank you's" and fewer "screw you's."

That's what it takes to be a success in business today.

Who says? I says. Taylor Telford says so, too.

"The years spent apart from colleagues have rusted workers' social skills," Telford writes in "Business Etiquette Classes Boom as People Relearn How to Act at Work," a recent article in The Washington Post.

Makes sense. The ability to play nice with others is not important when your only co-worker is your cat. Now, jammed together in the same litter box with co-workers who neither purr nor groom themselves, the ability to get along is essential for survival.

The introduction of younger workers into the mix also makes for friction. Believe it or don't, these young whippersnappers may balk at giving their older team members the respect they deserve.

"How may I please you, my liege lord" is just something you rarely hear from Gen Z serfs.

Another social skill sorely lacking in the modern world of work is knowing what qualifies as appropriate work wear. This is understandable for both newbies, arriving on the scene from college pep rallies and panty raids, as well as oldbies, returning to the office after years of working at home. Management can definitely smooth reentry by crafting a dress code. For example:

No. 1: In office situations, bathrobes must extend below the knees.

No. 2: Bunny slippers are not allowed after 10 a.m.

No. 3: Pants are no longer optional in Zoom meetings, unless your office has a door and your door has a lock.

While predicting fashion trends is never easy, those wishing to boost their careers by elevating their wardrobe from "business casual" to "business professional" should consider the experience of Teniola Ayoola, whose development classes at Harvard "preached about the importance of conveying 'gravitas' and 'executive presence.'"

If you do not see these qualities in the upper management of your company, I suggest you look to the great leaders of the past, such as Lydia Pinkham and John D. Rockefeller (quite a fun guy, despite what you have heard).

While frockcoats and starched collars for men have not made a comeback -- yet -- it makes sense to get ahead of curve. Women who want to dress for success should consider adding corsets, crinolines and bustles to their wardrobes. For CEOs, both male and female, now demanding workers return to the office or face exile, togas make perfect sense, with a laurel wreath crown to set off to the look.

(All employees will benefit from my Ted Talk on modern office wear, including subjects such as "What is a tie and you wear it, where?" and "The 6-inch stiletto heel. Does it have a place in IT?")

Business meals are an area where good manners can make the difference between closing the deal and ending your career. Before accepting an invitation to dine with a client or a senior manager be sure you can answer the following questions:

Q: What fork do you use to eat a Whopperrito 6?

A: You don't use a fork. You use a straw.

Q: What exotic cocktail can you order to impress a client?

A: Milk and Hershey's syrup with a twist

Q: When dining with your manager, who picks up the check?

A: The person who earns the least.

Another "soft skill" that is essential to master is the ability to foster harmonious human interactions. These simple rules should serve you well in the office:

No. 1: Never ask a co-worker to tell you their salary, unless you're absolutely sure you make more.

No. 2: Avoid making eye contact, especially with HR employees. They can look in your soul and know in an instant that you are fudging your expense account.

No. 3: If you have trouble making small talk in meetings or office events, learn how to play the accordion.

Outside the office, it is important that you use your social skills to make contacts. If you were not born with the networking gene, etiquette experts recommend that you develop a "personal elevator pitch."

Feel free to use mine:

"Nice to meet you. I'm an insignificant cog in an inconsequential department of a failing company. I'm not looking for a job, but if anyone offered me a position, I would take it because I'm desperate. I'm glad we're besties now. I'll be coming to your house this weekend for a barbecue."

"And yes," you can add before the elevator reaches the top floor, "I will bring my accordion."

========

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Copyright 2024 Creators Syndicate, Inc.