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Emergency Call
Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing.
Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.
Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the ...Read more
The Collector
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.”
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered ‘no.’
“Then why are you checking it out?”
“Because,” said the little boy confidently, “I just started collecting moths last week!”
Biggest feet in the third grade
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"
"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
Will Trader Joe's Save Us?
Almost two years ago, I begged Joe -- Trader Joe, that is -- to send another of his clever grocery emporiums to where I live. I wrote:
We have so many people, Joe, denizens who request, nay, demand your low prices, friendly staff and flavor combinations not available from Larry Q. Publix. Trail mix with mung beans. Vegan tzatziki. Greek ...Read more
Sleeping in C Minor
"Ow!"
I woke up with a start when my husband's left arm whacked me in the head. I rolled over to yell at him and saw that he was sound asleep. His hands, however, were wide awake and keeping a perfect 3/4 time to some mystery concerto.
Sadly, this was not the first time this had happened. My husband works in the music industry, and like most...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The 2024 Zezima family Christmas letter
Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.
That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle ...Read more
The Return of the Mom Jeans
I wouldn't say I'm a slave to fashion, but I do like to follow some of the trends each season. I usually get just a few pieces that ultimately look more age-appropriate on my daughter than me, but I get them anyway and I'm happy even if I do look like an idiot. So imagine my dismay when I found out that two of the big looks this year were ......Read more
Jerry Zezima: Pranks a lot
Whenever I pull a prank, which generally involves my grandchildren, whose maturity level is way above mine, I think outside the box.
This is a wise strategy because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, the air supply to my brain would be cut off and I’d be even more immature, which admittedly would make me a better prankster.
...Read more
Finding Holiday Gratitude in a Rescue Possum
"We've got a possum in there," an employee said with a smile. She motioned around a corner, directing me toward the dwelling of the furry friend.
I played it cool, but I already knew about the possum living at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium in Florida. In fact, I'd announced to my family after dinner the night before that I intended to visit ...Read more
Your Fries Are My Fries
"I'll have the burger," my husband said to the server when she came to take our lunch order.
"Would you like a salad or fries with that?" she asked.
"Salad," he said definitively.
"No, fries," I corrected him.
"I don't want fries," he said.
"But I do, and my sandwich doesn't come with them," I explained.
He rolled his eyes and shrugged ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Daylight Shaving Time
When it comes to shaving, I’m two-faced. One face I have been scraping with a blade since I was a teenager more than five decades ago, the other I recently started buzzing with an electric razor.
Neither face will make me a Hollywood star unless I stop shaving altogether and get the lead role in a remake of “The Wolf Man.”
So I left it ...Read more
Thanksgiving Conversation Starters Not About... You Know
With Thanksgiving falling on the heels of this ultracombative election year, family dinners have the potential to be fraught, if not fully explosive mashed potato massacres. Don't worry (or do, I don't know your life). Here are some topics to talk about around the holiday dinner table in mixed company this year:
"Who wants to see 25 photos of...Read more
The Incredible Talking Dog
I have a talking dog.
We didn't know it when we got him, of course. He didn't reveal this talent to us right away. He would vocalize occasionally in dog-speak, but no one really had any idea what he was saying because he spoke in his language, and we spoke in ours, and there was no Rosetta Stone program for either of us. But then one morning ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The birthday girl
My mother was the life of her 100th birthday party.
She also was the star in our little family band — three children, one daughter-in-law, five grandchildren, three grandchildren’s spouses and five great-grandchildren — who gathered at Zody’s 19th Hole, a popular restaurant at the E. Gaynor Brennan Municipal Golf Course in our hometown ...Read more
The Art of Being Stalked at Rooms To Go
A twin delight and horror of moving into a new house is finding furniture that fits uncharted nooks and crannies.
For instance, while my old home had one dining area, my new home also has a dreaded "breakfast nook." This means that we are to travel between tables to masticate depending on the meal's formality. It's like a suburban version of ...Read more
Moon Over Manhattan
"Hey, look at that," said my husband, staring out the window. "There are people doing yoga on the roof of that building." We were on the 20th floor of a building in New York City, having a romantic dinner at a chic restaurant known for its great food and beautiful views.
"What are they doing?" he wondered aloud. "Oh. Oh no!"
"What? What is ...Read more
Florida Women, It's Time To Get Our IUDs
The first thing I did Wednesday was think, well, punk music is poised to have a big comeback. Shortly thereafter, I started Googling IUDs.
That's an intrauterine device, a T-shaped object inserted into a uterus to prevent pregnancy. I wasn't the only one looking. If you'll indulge a wonkish moment: Google Trends showed Floridians searching "...Read more
That's the Way the Ravioli Rolls
"Hi! Would you like to try a delicious, gluten-free, dairy-free ravioli?" asked a woman standing behind a small table in the pasta section of the grocery store. The table was set with a dozen small cups that each contained one ravioli. She raised one of the cups and thrust it at me with a fork. The ravioli looked innocuous enough, and I had ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Coach Poppie's grandparent tips
Ever since I became a grandfather, and have proudly remained the most immature member of the family, I have often been asked if I spoil my grandchildren.
“No,” I always reply. “That’s my wife’s job. My job is to corrupt them.”
This makes me supremely qualified to be a grandparent coach.
I got the idea for this heretofore ...Read more
Trump's Climate Chaos Will Only Hurt Us
You may have heard about a sudden rash of newspaper editorial boards, including the one at the company where I work, declining to endorse a candidate for president. Let's talk about it. With days until this most consequential election, we're going deep on matters of life, death and drowning.
Editorial boards represent the voice of an ...Read more