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Song Scramble with Anna Kendrick | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Anna Kendrick and Jimmy take turns singing the lyrics of one random song over the melody of another, like singing Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" to the melody of Sabrina Carpenter's "Espresso."
Jack Black in the TV advert for Pitfall
Jack Black (when he was a kid) in a tv commercial from 1982, advertising Pitfall for the Atari 2600..
A Shampoo by Any Other Name
"What's in the bag?" I asked my mother as she got into the car. She had just come out of the hair salon and apparently had been talked into buying some hair products.
"New shampoo," she said with some excitement. "My old shampoo was terrible. It really dried out my hair."
"What brand were you using?" I asked. She thought for a moment. She ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Pillow talk
Everyone knows that heat rises. Everyone also knows that I am full of hot air. Therefore, you could say with scientific certainty that I am an airhead.
But you would be wrong. That’s because, according to a respected sleep specialist, my head doesn’t get sufficient air.
That was the alarming finding in a sleep study I can’t fully ...Read more
Get Ready for a Hot Norovirus Summer
Hey, you look a little listless, wan from the drudgeries of dry land. With temperatures heating up and school sprinting to a close, maybe you're contemplating travel. A cruise?
Picture it: Sunshine, SPF, tropical bevvies, over-the-counter antidiarrheal medications, conga lines...
Hmm? Well, my favorite would have to be a classic pina colada....Read more
Playing Chicken With My Dinner
"What do you want for dinner?" I asked my husband.
"How about fish?" he replied.
I shook my head. "I had fish for lunch. How about steak?"
"I'm sick of steak," he said. "How about chicken?"
I nodded. "Chicken it is."
My husband went outside to light the grill while I jumped in the car to go get the food. I had planned to run into the ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Stuck on Post-its
When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember.
So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t.
There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t work.
Then there’s the ...Read more
Students Have Been Training for This Their Whole Lives
They were studying for finals and grabbing snacks from the student union on a gossamer spring day. Each flashcard and burrito and blanket on a lawn comprised the unspoken curriculum of life. A crop of new adults becoming who they will be.
And then the thing happened. Let's be honest, the thing they always knew was coming. The thing they've ...Read more
For Whom the Vole Tolls
I saw it out of the corner of my eye as it darted from under the entertainment unit in the family room, around the corner and into the kitchen. Of course, I wasn't really sure if it was anything more than a dust bunny. However, it's pretty unusual to see a dust bunny with a clear agenda, and this one seemed like it definitely had a destination...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Stairway to houseplant heaven
Now that my office has new flooring and is finally so clean that it could win an award from Good Housekeeping, I am turning over a new leaf.
Actually, 17 new leaves, which belong to a houseplant that my wife, Sue, gave to me so I could have someone (or something) to talk to when I am lonely or need inspiration so I can write drivel like this.
...Read more
I Am Your New Dishwasher and I Will Destroy You
Hi, and welcome to your new dishwasher! We hope you enjoy the experience of not quite getting your dishes clean every day for the rest of your life. This manual will take you through some of the finer points of using your exciting appliance.
First, please know that you must load the dishwasher in order for it to work. Stacking rinsed dishes ...Read more
The Online Fashionista
When I used to live in the city, I would use my lunch break from work to shop one-day sample sales. This had the dual advantage of keeping me slim (no lunch) and getting cool clothes at a bargain. Of course, there were no dressing rooms at these things, and I live in fear of the day a hidden-camera tape surfaces on the internet of me ripping ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The dream team
As a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.
Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and record what I did in bed — it was nothing to write home about — during a sleep study.
I participated in this diagnostic test, which required me to stay in a ...Read more
Best and Worst Recession Indicators
How did you spend Liberation Day? I celebrated President Donald Trump announcing confounding reciprocal tariffs on worldwide trading partners by wondering how much money to hide inside my mattress, fielding inquiries from mortgage brokers and listening to the new Kesha song. It's like we never made it out of 2009.
With the stock market ...Read more
The Eyebrows Have It
As I perused the latest fashion magazine, I noticed something about the models.
They all had big eyebrows. Big, perfect eyebrows. Big, sculpted, perfectly groomed and arched eyebrows.
And I did not.
Not that I'm comparing myself to a model, because that would be impossible on just so many levels. I could not make myself 6 feet tall, 115 ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The inside story
Every 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.
Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test.
That’s the sacrifice I made to...Read more
Kids, Pull Yourselves Up by the Bootstraps!
Eyes up, children. It's 2025, and you can say goodbye to Takis and Mountain Dew Code Red by the pool. Government is getting more efficient, and fast. That means everyone will have to work harder, including those of you with a still-soft prefrontal cortex.
It's time you learned a few things about life. We're dumping boring meetings held in ...Read more
Nothing Comes Between Me and My Lava Cake
When it comes to desserts, there are three kinds of people: sugary-dessert people, fruit-dessert people and no-dessert people. I'm a sugary-dessert person, and like most sugary-dessert people, I don't get the other kinds of dessert people at all. I can almost understand no-dessert people. But fruit-dessert people? Fruit as a dessert seems like...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The Fab Floor
You can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project.
That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so new flooring could be installed with the help of yours truly and my trusty hammer.
...Read more
Don't Call Me, I'll Call You
"Hello, hello," I said when I saw my husband's number come up on my phone.
Nothing.
"Hellllloooooooooo?" I said louder.
"Can I have a tall decaf skim mocha Frappuccino?" I heard my husband say. It sounded like he wasn't talking directly into his phone but rather from a galaxy far, far away.
"HELLLLOOOOOO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. ...Read more
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