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Jack Black Winds Himself During Kung Fu Demonstration | The Jonathan Ross Show
Jack Black joins Jonathan on the couch to talk about reprising his role as Po in 'Kung Fu Panda' and meeting Jackie Chan. Jack demonstrates some martial arts moves including Karate, Judo, and Kung Fu.
Seth and Kristen Stewart Go Day Drinking
Seth and Kristen Stewart spend a day drinking at Boxers NYC in New York City, where they do things like make cocktails inspired by her films and play a game where they have to tell the truth or take shots.
Random Question But… with Jerry Seinfeld | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy and Jerry Seinfeld ask each other random, thought-provoking questions while trying to get work done in the office.
Liam Neeson Auditions To Play The Easter Bunny
Think he’ll get the part?
Men Fail Miserably When Quizzed on Women
Women have contributed so much to the world. But we often wonder, how much does the average guy know about women’s history? So we went out onto Hollywood Boulevard where all the smartest people line up and we invited men, passing by our studio to take a women’s history mini-quiz.
Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal
- At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
- Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
- It is illegal to deny the existence of God
- Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
Crime
Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Funeral Comments
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy ...Read more
Feline Physics
Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he ...Read more
Quick word play...
-- A good thing to exercise when you're putting on weight is restraint.
-- Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker's wurst nightmare.
-- He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.
For The Kids...
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
Laryngitis
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
Doctor's Guarantee
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
Tips to Improve Your Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
...Read more
Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"
The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else...Read more
For The Kids...
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What is a pigs favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs!
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
Why did the foal cough?
...Read more
The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of ...Read more
Jordan Klepper on Trump's Bible Grift and GOP Reaction to Baltimore Bridge Collapse | The Daily Show
Jordan Klepper tackles Trump’s new branded Bibles and how right-wing media is rushing to blame the Baltimore bridge collapse on Democratic policy. Plus, Josh Johnson weighs in on Florida’s social media ban for children under 14, and what this means for the rising generation of schoolyard bullies.
Meanwhile… Belgian Beer Cyberattack | Italy’s Traffic Laws | Vaping Harms Mental Health
Meanwhile… The makers of Duvel beer in Belgium suffered a cyberattack, Italy apparently enforces its traffic laws, and scientists are urging people not to vape because of serious effects on mental health.
Robin Williams Helps Matt Damon with His Monologue
Jimmy Kimmel Live - Robin Williams Helps Matt Damon with His Monologue