Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your ...Read more

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

...Read more

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush...Read more

How do fireflies start a race?
Ready steady glow!

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
The one in the sugar bowl!

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!

What did one firefly say to the other?
Got to glow now!

What ...Read more

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?

First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.

If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"

~ George Carlin

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the ...Read more

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};

summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6;...Read more

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually ...Read more

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off.

The next day, the same highway, the ...Read more

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The ...Read more

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

It was toad!

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield ...Read more

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was ...Read more

...while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

-- Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

-- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,'Code 3' in house wares ..... and see what happens.

-- Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M and M's on layaway.

-- Set up a tent ...Read more

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, ...Read more