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Ask Mr. Dad: Am I boring my child?

Armin Brott, Tribune News Service on

Published in Family Living

Dear Mr. Dad: I'm a super-involved at-home dad of a 1-year-old daughter. We spend a lot of time together and it’s usually pretty fun. But sometimes I have a feeling that she’s bored, which isn’t surprising, because, honestly, sometimes I’m pretty bored myself. Got any ideas of how I can keep her entertained?

A: Wow, this question takes me back a few decades to when I was a first-time dad and had the exact same worry. Fortunately, I was able to overcome it—and I know you will too.

For me, the process started with rethinking a few words, the first being “entertained.”

Adults know from experience that there’s a big difference between play and work. But for kids, everything is play—it’s how they learn about the world. Play teaches them about shapes, textures, colors, sounds and the laws of physics (if I drop something, it falls down; some objects float in water, others don’t; if I push that green button, a puppet will jump up).

It also teaches them about feelings (if I make those cute cooing sounds, mommy and daddy will pick me up and kiss me, but if I throw my toys, they’ll make that frowny face and do that eyebrow thing that makes me feel bad). It even teaches them about empathy (when daddy and I are rolling around on the floor, it’s OK for me to poke him in the face once or twice, but any more than that, and he puts me in my crib).

Just being with you, even if you’re doing things that you might think are boring, can be really entertaining—and educational too. Even the most mundane places, like grocery stores, provide endless opportunities for learning. Have your daughter touch a kiwi and a coconut and talk with her about the differences. Are there any other fruits or veggies with unusual textures or smells? What about the difference between boxes on the shelves or similar looking boxes in the freezer section?

 

Keep in mind that not every activity has to be fun. Your daughter wants to be like you and do all the cool things you do. So let her help you rinse the dishes after breakfast or vacuum up (or eat) the Cheerios she spilled in the back seat of the car.

What you’re doing isn’t important, but talking about it together is. Sure, grocery shopping and household chores aren’t exactly "entertainment,” but they’re fantastic relationship-building opportunities that help you and your daughter get to know each other better, and show her that you love her, which is, in my view, the most important thing any dad can do.

The other word you’ll need to rethink is “involved.” You’re not a walking smartphone app and you don’t need to keep your daughter laughing and giggling 24/7. In fact, little kids need down time, just like we do. Playing all day is physically exhausting and processing all the new information she’s learning is mentally exhausting.

If you and your child are together and she wants to spend some time playing quietly by herself, take that as a compliment rather than a criticism of your fatherhood skills. If your daughter didn’t know with 100% certainty that she could count on you to be there if she really needs you, she'd never let you out of her sight. So at least once a day, set your daughter up with a puzzle or another favorite toy and back away. Don’t go too far—you always want to keep an eye on her—but there’s no need to stand over her shoulder.

____


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