Q. I wish I could say I look forward to the holidays, but now that my kids’ mother and I have split up, it just seems impossible. Thanksgiving is the worst. We used to live in the same neighborhood, therefore alternating just Thanksgiving Day worked. But their mom recently moved to the next town. The kids hate sitting in the car. I hate driving because traffic is crazy, and their mother just gloats knowing how stressful it is for me. I have suggested we alternate the whole weekend, but she says no, we must stick to the court order. How do I convince her the court order doesn’t work for us? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. All custody decisions in family court are made “in the best interest of the children.” This is where parents say, “Wait a minute, didn’t the court do that from the beginning? Wasn’t that the premise on which the original order was made?”

The answer is yes, but situations change with time. As in your case, a parent might move. Even a 10- or 15-minute move could add 30 to 40 minutes to the commute on a holiday weekend. But unless both parents agree, 10 or 15 minutes may not be enough in the court’s eyes to change the order. Or the school district may change the holiday schedule. When the order was originally written, there might have been a week break for Thanksgiving, but down the road the school calendar was adjusted to just Thursday and Friday. That certainly puts a damper on trying to get the kids from one home to another, particularly if the parents live a distance away from each other.

Both are cases where the original court order might be adjusted to make it easier for the kids, but if you don’t have the cooperation of both parents, it wouldn’t be surprising if changes are denied.

So, what do you do? Good ex-etiquette suggests a conversation—and a compromise, but to do that, you must lay the groundwork well before the requested change. Every conversation you have with your co-parent lays the groundwork for the next conversation. Dig in your heels today and "no" will probably be the answer to your request next time. That means start having empathetic discussions in the name of your children in January. By November you will have enough practice that compromise will be commonplace — hopefully.

In this case, removing your personal self-interest or “gloating” and putting yourself in the kids’ shoes just might do the trick. Consider a new approach or a compromise to the holiday. Would it be easier on your kids to alternate Thanksgiving weekend between their parents rather than their parent race to get them back after Thanksgiving dinner? Or would a return on the Friday after Thanksgiving relieve the stress of traveling on a holiday? If you are the reason for making the exchange difficult, it will eventually backfire. As the kids get older, they will in time understand who is or who is not looking for the compromise and that often impacts the time they will want to spend with that parent.

We are our children’s role models. Be the change you want to see in the world. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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