Q. I have two sons, 5 and 7. I do not allow my children more than a half hour a day on their iPad. My partner uses screen time as a way to appease his son, who is turning 8. Recently my bonus son lost his temper and yelled at me in front of my sons. I took away his iPad believing if I did nothing it might set a precedent. My partner came home from work to find a sullen child whimpering in his room. His first thought was to give him his iPad and he played down the fact that his son yelled at me. I was furious and felt like my partner threw me under the bus. The next thing I knew, my partner and his son were cuddled up together playing a video game. I want to leave. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A.Your story is a perfect example of what happens when new partners with children move in together without a plan for their life together.

It’s the practical everyday stuff that needs to be discussed before the move takes place. Discipline of each other’s children is of particular concern. You can’t have a separate set of rules for the kids who live together. Parents must decide the house rules, how they will discipline, and both support each other as a united front. If you don’t, the children are sure to divide and conquer. The families then split into factions, you and your children against me and mine. The bonus family will cease to be bonus. A breakup is predicted.

So now you have to play catch up, but all is not lost. This is an opportunity for the kids to see that together you can assess a situation, not undermine each other when there is a difference of opinion but discuss things and compromise (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents rule No. 10).

It is also an opportunity to set family rules, so the kids know what to expect. All these things should have been discussed prior to moving in together, but rather than beat yourself up—or each other—use it as a teachable moment and fix it.

If you visit the Bonus Families website and punch in “Before Exercise” in the search bar, you will find the types of things you must discuss with your partner prior to moving in together. Things like house rules, chores, who sleeps where, discipline and screen time are all topics for discussion.

Finally, don’t sweep this under the rug. Dad, knowing that you had made a disciplinary decision, chose to undermine that decision in front of the children. Basically, he chose to identify with his son rather than support you—although you did not discuss it prior so he could plea ignorance. Even so, that’s not good ex-etiquette and needs to be taken seriously.

My suggestion is that Dad and you make the final decision regarding screen time in your home, then sit down together with all the kids and explain that it was not handled properly and that will never happen again.

You are a united front. Children must understand that their caretakers are on the same page in order to feel safe. Don’t let them think they can divide and conquer. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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