Dear Anna,

I need advice about a sexual situation I can't discuss with anyone else. My wife and I have been together for nine years (married for four) with a good relationship and great sex life. We've always explored fantasies through dirty talk during intimacy. I've always found the idea of seeing my wife with another man arousing. Early in our relationship, I discovered she was still hooking up with her ex, which I found exciting.

Until recently, this remained just bedroom talk. Then I told her I wanted her to actually sleep with someone and tell me about it afterward. She's now developed a connection with a coworker. They're Facebook friends, have exchanged numbers and recently sexted. She's ready to sleep with him.

Now that it's becoming reality, I'm having second thoughts. I always imagined this happening with a stranger she wouldn't see again. I'm questioning if this is truly something I want or just a fantasy better left unexplored.

My concerns are: What if she genuinely likes this guy — what might that mean for our relationship? Would it be awkward if I ever met him since he wouldn't know I'm aware? If he tells her coworkers, I'll be seen as "the guy whose wife is cheating"? And while the idea is arousing during sex, the reality makes me nervous. What if I hate it?

I don’t want this to damage our relationship or develop into an ongoing relationship between them. Any advice? — Cocky Until Certainty Kicked In

Dear CUCKI,

There's a vast, muddied landscape between our fantasies and their reality — a space where excitement flirts with vulnerability, where what arouses us in imagination starts to carry real-world weight — and all the messy emotions that come with it.

You're standing precisely in this delicate territory now.

The fantasy that has lived in the protected space of your bedroom is preparing to step into the world, with all its potentially hot or upsetting unpredictability. (Indeed, it might be both hot and upsetting! Because brains and bodies are fun.) The hesitation you feel isn't a weakness — it's normal and it’s worth paying attention to. Your body and mind are signaling important considerations that deserve more fleshing out (pun unintended) before proceeding.

Many who explore any uncharted sexual or relationship path discover that the fantasy's power lies partly in its safety — the control, the boundaries, the fact that it exists in a space where desires are always satisfied and hearts can't be broken.

When those guardrails start to disappear, it's natural to feel exposed and to freak out a little.

Your specific concerns are valid. You worry about emotional connections forming, about social implications, about the difference between a passing encounter and a workplace relationship with ongoing contact. These aren't small considerations — and they can’t be known ahead of time. But! They can be discussed with your wife.

Before moving forward, have a lengthy conversation (or several) with your wife outside the charged atmosphere of sexual excitement. Discuss clear boundaries: Is emotional connection off-limits? How will discretion be maintained? What happens after? Will she tell the guy you’re in on it? Will it be a one-time thing? Will you be allowed to read all her texts? Maybe you agree the person needs to be a stranger. Having this framework can provide security for both of you.

Remember that consent in relationships isn't a one-time agreement but an ongoing conversation. You have every right to press pause, to say "I need more time," or even to decide this fantasy works better remaining just that — a fantasy. Many couples find that role-playing scenarios can capture the erotic charge without the complications of involving others.

If you do proceed, start with smaller steps. Perhaps begin with her sharing detailed accounts of her flirtation rather than immediately jumping to full sexual encounters. Or perhaps she shares only a kiss with this dude and you see how this feels. Going slow allows you both to gauge your emotional responses in stages, rather than crossing the entire boundary at once.

For many couples who navigate this territory successfully, more frequent and more honest communication is a must. They check in frequently, they take responsibility for their feelings, they take time to reassure one another, and they prioritize their primary relationship above all experiences with others.

Whatever you decide, know that neither path makes you less adventurous or less loving. Sometimes our greatest intimacy comes from exploring these boundaries together, whether we ultimately cross them or not. The vulnerability you're showing by questioning, by seeking advice, by examining your own reactions — that takes real courage, thoughtfulness and foresight.

Your hesitation isn't failure. It's part of the process of aligning your inner erotic life with your outer emotional one, a journey that requires honesty, care and necessary laundry.

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