Dear Anna,

When it comes to gifts, my boyfriend of two years kinda phones it in. For my birthday last month, he gave me a gift card to a coffee shop, which was sweet, but I work from home and don’t even drink that much coffee! Last Christmas, I got a generic piece of jewelry that wasn’t my style at all. I’ve tried to tell myself it’s not about the gifts, and he’s a good partner in other ways. He’s kind, supportive and we have a lot of fun together. But I can’t shake the feeling that the lack of effort he puts into presents means something about how he feels about me. Am I overthinking this? Should I bring it up, or would that just make me look petty? — Going Insane Fielding This

Dear GIFT,

Gift-giving is a love language, and it’s OK to want to feel special in your relationship. It’s not petty to want your partner’s thoughtfulness to extend to you in the gift department. Gifts, after all, are symbolic — they’re about more than the thing itself. They’re a way of saying, I see you. I know you. I value you. And when that manifests as, well, a gift card you might give to a coworker you don’t even like that much, it can understandably sting.

Let’s start by getting curious rather than jumping straight to conclusions. Your boyfriend’s lackluster gifts for you might not mean he doesn’t care. Some people, even thoughtful ones, overthink gift-giving for their partners because the stakes feel higher. They might freeze up or default to something generic out of fear of getting it “wrong.” Weirdly, the closer the relationship, the harder it can be to choose a gift because the pressure to nail it is so much greater than with, say, a friend or sibling.

That said, this is clearly bothering you, so it’s worth bringing up. The key is to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity, not accusation. This opens the door for him to explain without feeling attacked, which can help avoid defensiveness.

Also, when you have this talk, acknowledge the ways he’s a good partner in other areas, as you said — maybe he’s good at planning thoughtful dates, showing up when you’re stressed or being emotionally supportive. If that’s the case, his less-than-stellar gifts might be a reflection of priorities rather than effort, you know? Like, would you rather have an emotionally available boyfriend or an electric mug warmer?

That doesn’t mean you have to just lukewarmly accept cake pop coupons and heart pendants. If gifts are important to you, let him know they’re a meaningful way you feel loved. People aren’t mind readers, and some need a little more guidance in this department.

If subtle hints haven’t worked (or if they’re just not your style), you might need to be more direct. Some people genuinely appreciate clarity and ideas. Share an Amazon wish list, text him when you see something you love or keep a running note of ideas you’re excited about. It’s not “cheating” to give your partner suggestions — think of it as setting him up to win. For many people, having a little guidance actually reduces anxiety and helps them feel confident in their gift-giving. It doesn’t make the gesture any less meaningful, either, because he’s still the one choosing and giving with love.

You could also co-create a new tradition. Suggest doing a date night where you each pick out gifts for one another or plan a surprise experience. That way, the emphasis is on the thoughtfulness and effort you both bring to the table, not just his default tendencies.

At the end of the day, the most important part of gift-giving isn’t the gift itself — it’s what it represents: care, attention and knowing what makes your partner happy. With some open communication and a little guidance, you can help him understand how to meet that need for you.

©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.