Dear Kid Whisperer,

During COVID, you put out a video called Real-World Workshop on YouTube that showed parents how to manage chores and homework/virtual work at home. It worked really well for my three kids for years. Power struggles about work were gone just like you promised. BUT… now it doesn’t work at all for my middle and youngest (12 and 10). I’m back to getting into power struggles, and they are back to refusing to do their chores and their homework. Any tips or suggestions?

Answer: It makes me so happy when I know that I was able to do something to help somebody, especially during such a tough time, so thank you!

Also, here’s a suggestion: STOP DOING IT WRONG!

I kid.

But seriously, stop doing it wrong.

Don’t feel bad. I do my own procedures and strategies wrong sometimes, and I invented this stuff!! Is it sad if I have to read my own book to remember what I’m doing wrong? That only happened once. But still…

OK, you may want to review the YouTube video (search “Real-World Workshop”), but you are making one HUGE mistake that will make the whole procedure fall apart.

Just for everyone to get a quick review right here, Real-World Workshop is a procedure for parents or teachers who wish to set up an independent work environment for academic learning, activities or chores, that, when done correctly, totally removes the possibility for power struggles and gets kids to work hard. It puts kids in a real-world situation, whereby when you get work done, you get to do things that are more fun than work. “Nows” are, at home, usually homework and chores, and “Laters” are things kids may really enjoy doing (playing with toys, playing outside, reading books, video games, etc.) Below is a sample Workshop Board.

Nows

Math Test Prep

Homework

Feed Dog

Take Out Trash

Laters

Video Games

Watch TV

Play Basketball

?

I won’t teach all of this here (feel free to search the video) but here’s what you are doing wrong: Somewhere in the last few years, you forgot to not tell your kids to do their Nows, and you started nagging your kids about doing them. Never do this. You have no control over whether your kids do their chores and homework. If they’re brave enough, they’ll win this power struggle 100% of the time, you’ll become exhausted and it will hurt your relationship with your kids.

Instead, remember to take control of two things that you can always control: whether or not your kids can do their “Laters,” and how awesome their “Laters” are!

Plan ahead. Look at the above Workshop Board. You can control whether your kids can do these “Laters.” You can control the access to a basketball, TV and video games. You may have to do some logistical work to control access to other fun stuff, so just take care of that before the workshop session begins! Make sure they LOVE at least some of their “Laters.”

Also, don’t forget about the Mystery Later, represented by the “?”. That’s something really amazing that will be revealed only sometimes. It might be “Go to the Movies.” Or “Get Ice Cream.” This teaches the real-world lesson that if you are done with your work and an unexpected cool thing presents itself, you can do that thing. At first, it sounds like only your oldest kid will get to do Mystery Laters. If you deal with refusal the way I would deal with it below, all of your kids will work hard and get the things that they want through their hard work.

Kid: I don’t want to do work!

Kid Whisperer: Okey dokey.

Kid Whisperer walks away.

That’s it.

When you set up Real-World Workshop correctly, your kids will always have two choices: I can work hard and make my life better, or I can stare at the wall and make my life boring.

As long as you deal with work refusal the way I did above, all three kids will start getting done with their work and they will have plenty of ice cream and movies in their respective futures…for the rest of their lives!

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