Talk politics with family on holidays? Maybe don't, psychologist says

Natalie Mendenhall, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on Nov 23, 2024

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ATLANTA -- After a contentious election cycle, many people look forward to the holidays as a time to reset. But some of us dread talking about politics with certain family members. Producer Natalie Mendenhall spoke to Drew Westen, a professor emeritus at Emory University and a licensed psychologist.

Here’s that interview with tips for you on keeping things civil with family and friends this holiday season. The answers were edited for clarity and brevity.

And here are excerpts from the interview.

Q: How can we prep for talking politics with family members who disagree with us politically?

A: The best rule on holidays in an election like this, where the country is so polarized, is to stay clear of politics if you have really divergent opinions around the table. And whatever the holiday, to have a prayer at the beginning. To be thankful for family and for close friends, if they’re there. And regardless of their different opinions, we all share most of the same values at (our) core. We’re thankful for that.

Q: What if the conversation gets heated, how can we de-escalate?

A: Have a safe word. You could do this at the beginning of dinner. All of you agree that if a political discussion gets heated, someone says a word or a phrase, something — it could be George Washington — and then everyone knows to stop the political conversation.

Q: How can we model good behavior for children and younger family members when talking about politics?

A: It’s a really important question and they’ll be listening to what the adults are saying, at least with one of their ears and picking it up unconsciously if they’re not picking it up consciously. The first thing … is to do everything possible for the adults not to get heated so that the kids can see that you might have different points of view on things, but you’re not making personal attacks on a family member.

A second thing is something you mentioned, which is kids know a lot about what we feel, but also about what they feel. And it obviously depends on their age. You’re not going to talk to your 3-year-old extensively about whether we’re going to have a democracy when they grow up. Probably not a good idea, but you might talk to your 10-year-old or 12-year-old about that.

If I could add one thing, when you’re speaking privately with your kids, it’s good to take your cues from what they know and what they say. And if they’re capable of having a fairly adult conversation or almost adult conversation about a candidate, I think you should feel free to talk openly with your kids about what your fears are, what your hopes are, what their fears and hopes are, and have nothing between you on that so that you don’t create walls within your own nuclear family.

Q: If you just can’t agree to disagree, when do you know it’s time to cut off certain family members?

A: You have to follow your gut on what you’re comfortable with. I do think a lot of people have lost respect for family members because of decisions they’ve made. It’s useful to remember at those moments that blood is thicker than water and that you were born with a family and you should be happy for it.

But I’d be open with the other person and just say, “don’t think we have enough of a meeting of the minds on that for the moment.” And so make a (break) temporary. … Hopefully we can get back on better terms later.

Q: What if you’re the one that ended up making politics personal, how do you apologize?

A: Your point about apologizing is actually really important. I mean, to maintain relationships, there are really two phrases you really have to be able to say genuinely — that is, thank you and I’m really sorry.

You know, and if you can’t say those two things, you’re not going to be able to maintain relationships. Be able to say to someone, “you know what? I’m really sorry. I crossed the line with that comment and I didn’t mean to make this personal about you, but it’s so personal to me.”

Q: What should our political New Year’s resolution be?

I think our leaders in particular, but all of us, should make the New Year’s resolution that we’re going to tone down the partisanship and we’re going to focus more on what we all agree on. Because there are things we all agree on.