Ex-etiquette: Bonus daughter

Q. My bonus daughter and I get along very well and many people who meet us just assume I am her mother. I believe I should always support her mother, so I am quick to correct the assumption. Even though she has never said anything, I can tell by my bonus daughter’s expression that she is disappointed by my clarification. Is it necessary to always clarify the truth? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Some people just assume when they see an adult with a child that they are parent and child, particularly if the adult and child have a good rapport. When my own bonus daughter was very young, we were often mistaken for mother and daughter. I also went out of my way to clarify that I was her bonus mom, not her biological mother. And she was also disappointed at times, not because she liked me best, but because in her young mind she approached it like a game, our little secret just for that outing.

As she got older, it became more obvious that I was not her mom. She was much taller than me, of a different build and eye color. But today when biracial pairings and adoption are commonplace, if you rely on physical appearance to be the determiner, you may end up with your foot in your mouth.

I had my last child at almost 40, and while in line at Safeway, someone asked me if the baby in my arms was my grandchild. I can tell you I was not happy. But I did not want to embarrass the person making the comment. They were merely trying to engage me while standing in a long line together. If I had said something smart to put them in their place, it would have been 10 more minutes of us both being very uncomfortable.

Good Ex-etiquette For Parents Rule No. 7, “Use empathy when problem solving,” asks you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes when formulating a suggestion or response.

In your case, if her mom was with you and your bonus daughter, (don’t laugh, it happens all the time) and you know you will see the person making the comment again, out of respect for the biological mother, clarification is important. If the biomom is not present and it’s just someone standing in line at the supermarket who you will never see again, that’s when you must weigh if clarification is necessary.

You may have to revisit this at each stage of your bonus child’s life—she may think it’s a game at 8, but “feel weird about it,” at 10. Always check in with her mother, as well. Let her know of your desire to be respectful and don’t be afraid to ask her for direction. Some might not care, while others will be greatly insulted.

Over the years, my bonus kids and I have put some checks and balances in place to reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.

First, they call me by my first name, not “Mom.”

If someone makes a comment about the ease in which we interact, I will say something like, “Thank you for the compliment! She is quite the bonus.” That’s good ex-etiquette.