Dear Anna,

I recently discovered that my girlfriend has been using a dating app. Not to make friends. Not even for hookups, but to find a new partner. We're not in an open relationship, and I made it clear from the start that I wouldn't tolerate cheating. When I confronted her, she admitted to having the profile but argued she wasn't cheating since she hadn't met anyone in person yet. I'm torn because she insists nothing happened and that I should just move on. I feel this is a serious betrayal and grounds to end the relationship. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I be trying to salvage this relationship? — Conflicted About No Trust

Dear CANT,

Yeah, this seems pretty cut-and-dried to me. While she might “have” you on a technicality, it’s pretty obvious that her intention to cheat was clear — she wrote it down! And shared it publicly! She’s not even denying it.

Discovering that your girlfriend is actively seeking another partner is a serious breach of trust, regardless of whether she physically met anyone. Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging as physical cheating, as I have said before.

You set clear boundaries about what you consider cheating, and she crossed them. Her argument that nothing happened because she didn't meet anyone in person doesn’t diminish the fact that she was looking to replace you. It's understandable to feel that this is grounds for ending the relationship.

Then again, it’s easy for me to make a blanket decision based on a paragraph of information! At the end of the day, only you can know your relationship and whether it’s worth salvaging. Is it? Are there compelling reasons to give her another chance that you simply omitted?

Ultimately, you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner respects your boundaries and values your trust. It's OK to decide that this is too much to move past. Prioritizing your own well-being and happiness is essential, and it’s not wrong to walk away from a situation that undermines that.

Dear Anna,

My friend is in a relationship with a man who is well-off and 30 years older than her, and while I don't judge her choices, he’s not my cup of tea. The problem is he joins our hangouts A LOT. He also buys me food and drinks when we’re out. I have my own money and my own boyfriend and this makes me uncomfortable. I’d far prefer to hang out with her without him. How can I politely decline such invitations without hurting her feelings? — Seeking Other Boundaries

Dear SOB,

Navigating friendships when significant others are involved can indeed be tricky. You don’t want to alienate your friend, but you also don’t want to spend time with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

What to do?

Keep the vibe about you and her. When your friend invites you to events that include her boyfriend, it’s perfectly reasonable to express your preference for one-on-one time or girl-only gatherings. You could say something like, "I appreciate the invitation, but I was really looking forward to catching up just the two of us. How about we plan a girls' night soon?"

You might have to do this a few times before she gets the hint. If the invitations persist, you could always invite your boyfriend along to act as a wedge. You might also explain to her that you feel uncomfortable when her older boyfriend pays for things for you, which adds another layer of consideration in maintaining boundaries.

If pressed, you might have to be a bit more forthright about why he’s not “your cup of tea” — I’d have some concrete examples at the ready. Is he rude to waiters? Won’t stop talking about his drone? Pushy?

You can always reassure her that your feelings aren’t a judgment of her relationship, but rather a personal preference for your own social interactions. Stick to that track and you should be able to avoid any lingering awkwardness or judgy vibes.

Best of luck, SOB.

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