Woman Conflicted About Dating Friends' Ex
DEAR HARRIETTE: There's this guy I've been interested in for a while now. We have great chemistry, and every time we hang out, I find myself liking him more. The problem is, he's already gone after three of my friends. Each time, he's flirted with one of them or dated them briefly, and even though none of those relationships turned serious, it's left me feeling conflicted. It makes me feel embarrassed and kind of foolish for still being interested in him, knowing he's been involved with my friends.
I can't shake the feeling that there's something between us, but at the same time, I'm worried about what it says about him -- and about me! -- if I pursue something. Part of me feels like I should just move on and let it go, but then I wonder if I'm overthinking it. I don't know if I'm putting too much weight on the fact that he's dated my friends, or if it's a red flag I should take seriously. How do I get past the embarrassment I'm feeling? Should I be concerned about his past with my friends, or should I just focus on my own feelings and see where things go? -- Too Close for Comfort
DEAR TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT: How close are you to the friends he has dated? Seems to me you might ask one of them what happened when they dated. If you feel comfortable, reveal that you have liked him for a while and you want to see if there's any chance for the two of you, but you are apprehensive given that you have noticed that he has dated people in your friend group. Yes, you risk not keeping your feelings a secret, but it could be worth it to find out any details about how this guy behaves when dating others.
Pay attention to the feedback you get. If you do decide to pursue him, you can also ask him -- when the time is right -- what didn't work when he dated other women you know. But that's for later.
DEAR HARRIETTE: This girl at school, "Lina," wanted to create gossip in the community by spreading false information about my sister being pregnant without a father. The problem is that my sister is neither pregnant nor does she have a boyfriend. Lina is just trying to stir up drama because I was unable to lend her some money. It seems like she wants to damage my sister's reputation and damage our bond. I feel frustrated and hurt by her actions. I want to confront her, but I'm not sure how to approach the situation. It's important to address the issue without escalating the conflict. I need to find a way to protect my sister and set boundaries with Lina. -- Damaging Falsehoods
DEAR DAMAGING FALSEHOODS: It is not possible to control rumors. Sadly, the more salacious they are, the more quickly they spread. Speak directly to Lina. Tell her if she doesn't stop with the lies, you will tell your community why she is doing this. She would be embarrassed for your peer group to know that she is lashing out because you wouldn't lend her money. Ask her to stop with the mean-spirited stories about your sister -- or else. Be prepared to tell the truth to key people in your friend group if that's the only want to get her to stop.
========
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2024, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2024 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
Comments