ArcaMax

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love my mom, but I just can't trust her with any sensitive information. Every time I share something personal or private, she turns around and tells my family, her friends and even acquaintances, and it's incredibly frustrating. For example, I'll confide in her about something going on in my life, and the next time I see a relative or one of her friends, they'll start asking me about it. It's awkward and upsetting because it's often information I never wanted these people to know. It's gotten to the point where I've had to become selective about what I share with my mother. I hate feeling like I have to filter everything I say or keep her at a distance just to maintain my privacy. I'm 29 years old, and I feel like I should be able to have a trusting relationship with my mom where I can share things without worrying that she'll broadcast it to everyone. I don't know how to get her to stop doing this without hurting her feelings or creating a bigger issue between us. I don't want to completely shut her out, but I also need to protect my personal boundaries. How do I address this with her in a way that will get her to understand why I'm upset? -- Can't Keep a Secret

DEAR CAN'T KEEP A SECRET: There is no gentle way to handle this. You have to be direct with your mother. Tell her that you have discovered that when you share confidences with her, she consistently tells other people, and you consider this to be a violation of trust. Explain that you love her and want her counsel and just to have her as a safe space to vent, but you fear that whatever you tell her will not be kept in confidence. Give her a couple of examples of things you have told her that have come back to you from specific people so that she knows what you're talking about.

She will surely apologize profusely and promise never to violate your privacy again. The reality, though, is that she probably will because it's who she is. This means that in the future, you should refrain from telling her anything that you truly want to be kept confidential.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend "Nina" and her boyfriend had a baby while they both were underage. They fought against their parents to stay together and protect their love. However, the boyfriend eventually had an affair with another girl. Despite this, Nina's parents now want her to give the relationship another chance. Nina, on the other hand, is hesitant because she feels he has hurt her many times. The boyfriend has even said he won't support their child unless she takes him back. What should Nina do? -- Broken Trust

DEAR BROKEN TRUST: Young love with a baby can be tough to navigate. While Nina should not feel she has to tolerate infidelity, she may want to give the relationship a second chance -- with certain boundaries in place. She and her baby's father should talk through their issues and think about the future of their child and their relationship. If they can establish ground rules to follow, Nina can give him a chance. If not, she may need to take him to court to provide for their child if they are apart.

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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024, Harriette Cole

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