ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I, along with a friend, pre-purchased hard-to-get opera tickets. We've looked forward to attending for many months.

However, we just learned that our companion intends to bring her extremely unruly "comfort" poodle -- not only to the opera, but also to a lovely restaurant for dinner beforehand. This dog is hyperactive and annoying; it is not a service animal that our friend needs for seeing or hearing.

Now that we know the dog is going, we want to bow out of the engagement, but would prefer to do it in the least hurtful way. Should we simply say we won't go if the dog comes along?

GENTLE READER: That is not the least hurtful way, but Miss Manners agrees that being a party to this party is going to be anything but enjoyable.

Your friend has put you in the impossible position of denying the importance of the poodle to her well-being -- which you presumably have no desire to do -- or of bearing witness to the inconveniences that you know this pair will impose on others at the event.

While it would be rude to renege on the commitment you made to attend (absent an illness or other force majeure event), people do make mistakes. See if you can change your tickets, then apologize to your friend that you are actually attending on a different date. Otherwise, you are going to have to get sick, which Miss Manners sees as the least bad choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been friends for many years with a married couple and their adult son. They are a very wealthy and socially prominent family. The son and his fiancee, whom we have also known for several years, had a very elaborate destination wedding; we were invited, but had to decline, as we were going to be out of the country.

Upon our return home, we wanted to deliver their gift to them, so I called the son. He and his new wife were out of town, so he asked me to drop it by his office and leave it with his private secretary.

This was a very expensive gift, carefully chosen, beautifully wrapped and accompanied by a card expressing our best wishes and congratulations. It has now been over two months and not a word of acknowledgment has been expressed by the young couple by phone, text or mail. It is very frustrating to go to so much care and effort to pick out a special gift, hand-deliver it, and never hear a word of acknowledgment.

We will soon begin seeing the young couple and his parents frequently, as the social season is beginning. When we see them, if they do not mention the gift, how do we politely ask if they liked it?

GENTLE READER: The traditional prompt is to ask the parents -- only once, and in an embarrassed tone -- if their son received the gift, as you have not heard from him. This will, Miss Manners believes, cause them to see that a thank-you note is forthcoming -- while disguising your request as a valid concern addressed to the couple to whom you are closest.

Miss Manners is confident that it will also cover the implied lack of confidence in the personal secretary.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN