ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My adult son and his wife have decided not to have children, which I've accepted, though it saddens me deeply. Earlier this year, they told me my son donated sperm to his wife's best friend, who has since had a baby girl. My son signed away his parental rights, started a college fund for the child and says he and his wife will act as "fond but distant aunt and uncle."

He's made it clear that I am not a grandmother to this baby and should not see myself as one. While I was OK with their decision not to have children, knowing I have a grandchild I can't have a normal relationship with feels unbearable. I often cry when I think about it, and the grief isn't easing.

I've shared my feelings with my son, and though he was initially compassionate, he's since told me to stop bringing it up. This has made me feel distant from him, and I'm struggling with our relationship.

He frequently talks about the baby, shares pictures and plans to take me to visit her this winter. While I want to meet her, it's also painful. How can I handle this situation? -- Heartbroken Nana

Dear Heartbroken Nana: I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Your grief is real and valid, and it's OK to feel sadness for the role you hoped to have as a grandmother. This situation is very complicated for everyone involved.

Your son and his wife have been clear about their boundaries, and while respecting those is important, it doesn't mean you need to suppress your feelings. A therapist or counselor might help you process this grief and figure out how to best deal with your son.

When it comes to the baby, meeting her might be bittersweet. Consider embracing the role you're allowed to play, even if it's not the one you imagined. Cherish the connection you can have with her, and let yourself find joy in the moments you share. Healing doesn't mean forgetting your sadness; it means learning to hold space for both the pain and the beauty of what is possible.

You are a loving mother, and no amount of grief changes that. Be kind to yourself as you move forward, one step at a time.

========

Annie Lane's second anthology -- "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.