ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I have a daughter who hasn't spoken to me for almost 20 years, though she still maintains contact with her father. My husband and I have been married for 40 years, but our relationship has been extremely difficult for me. I've felt trapped in the marriage because I worked as an aide in a classroom, earning about $20,000 a year, and all of our financial accounts are in both of our names. I tried to leave, but I don't have the courage to go through with it.

Over the years, my husband has continued to give our shared money to our daughter, despite the fact that we don't have much extra. He believes this will bring her back into our lives.

Unfortunately, this financial strain has left us unable to afford a house, and we remain stuck in a two-bedroom apartment. I don't understand why he won't stop giving her money.

My daughter refuses to communicate with me, and my husband refuses to discuss her at all. Whenever I bring her up, he simply shuts down and says, "No." We are both still working full time; he's in his 70s, and I'm in my 60s.

This situation has caused significant friction and damage in our marriage. I feel so ashamed that I've distanced myself from family and friends, and I'm struggling to cope with the pain. -- Estranged

Dear Estranged: You are in a very painful situation. I suggest marriage counseling and trying to force the issue of having an open dialog with your husband. Having him say "no" whenever you want to raise the issue of your daughter refusing to talk to you is unacceptable. He needs to back you up with her.

Dear Annie: How does a daughter reconcile with the emotional trauma of being scapegoated by a narcissistic mother? I faced years of not being "good enough." I was shunned from family events, and honestly, I felt relieved at my mother's passing.

No surprise -- I was excluded from her will. Over the years, I realized that the real breaking point was being rejected from family holidays. Is going "no contact" a necessary step for healing, and how can I fully embrace the freedom that comes with the end of such a toxic relationship? -- Broken but Healing

Dear Broken but Healing: I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced. Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and being shut out from family events, is truly painful.

Being excluded from her will is hurtful, but as you've realized, the real pain came when she rejected you from family holidays. That rejection was about more than money; it was about wanting to feel loved by your mom. Recognizing this is an important part of healing, as you can focus on your emotional well-being over material concerns.

Surround yourself with friends and support groups as you grieve the relationship you always wanted and never were able to have with your mom.

========

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.