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DEAR ABBY: Many months ago, a family member's husband was charged with possession of and distributing more than 10,000 items of child pornography. The police and Department of Homeland Security raided their home and seized computers, cellphones and other devices. He was arrested and spent about a week in jail. He hired a very good attorney, and all the charges were dismissed.

His wife, our blood relative, stayed by his side. She remains married to him and doesn't plan to leave him. She has been keeping us up to date on the legal developments and says his attorneys believe he won't serve any jail time because "he's in his mid-70s and has no prior convictions of any crimes."

Although the charges were dismissed, we are not comfortable having him in our homes because there are small children at our gatherings. It's important to note that his wife never denied that he was viewing and distributing these materials. She only said, "They're making him out to be a monster." How can we remain supportive of her while at the same time let her know when the time comes, that he's NOT welcome? This chain of events has been devastating to our entire family. -- DEVASTATED IN THE EAST

DEAR DEVASTATED: Your concern is understandable, but I have to question whether you have all of your facts straight. On the one hand, you state that all the charges against this man were dismissed. On the other hand, you say his attorney thinks he won't serve time because of his age, which makes me wonder if some sort of plea deal happened, and he will be required only to perform community service.

You may want to be emotionally supportive of this family member, but if the parents of minor children feel her husband could present a danger to them, those children must be protected. And, if that means not exposing them to the couple, then so be it.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 16 years. He has two children, ages 17 and 19. Every year, he spends the major holidays with his ex and his kids. I can't go with him because his ex has ruined any chance of my having a relationship with his children. Frankly, they hate me and blame me for their parents' divorce.

I have five children. I make time for them at holidays, but I prioritize my husband. I don't think he should be doing this. Am I wrong? He's done it for 16 years. I mention it every year, and he always says next year will be different. Please tell me your thoughts. -- MISSING HIM THEN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MISSING: This year won't be different, and neither will the ones after. My question to you is, WERE you responsible for breaking up his marriage? According to the mail I have received over the years, many marriages were over long before either spouse filed for divorce. If the "kids" are right, they aren't going to change their attitude at this late date. If, however, you were blameless, their father should have straightened them out when they were old enough to understand.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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