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DEAR ABBY: Several members of my husband's family let us down badly by not attending our daughter's wedding. They had various work and other family obligations near the date of our event. "Save the Date" cards had been sent out six months prior, but we were apparently lower on their priority list. I expressed to my husband my desire to not send holiday cards this year because I no longer feel good about these family members.

Then, while I was traveling for work, he bought cards, printed a letter with pictures, signed it from both of us and sent it to most of his family and some of our mutual friends. The first I heard about it was from a friend thanking me for the card and pictures a month later. I discussed it with my husband and got an apology, but I'm still shocked and saddened. What do you think? -- STILL MIFFED

DEAR STILL MIFFED: Although you didn't want to send holiday cards to the relatives who skipped your daughter's wedding, apparently your husband didn't feel the same way. He was entitled to do what he did. Repeat after me: A wedding invitation is not a command performance. Now let it go.

DEAR ABBY: I'm estranged from my nephew and feel bad that our relationship has deteriorated. We live in different states. He has a mental illness and refuses treatment.

As a professional who is respected at work and at home, I am distressed that my nephew is aggressive and demeaning to me in public and in private. How can I get onto a path of reconciliation, and how does one know when self-protection is the only reasonable action? -- SAD UNCLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNCLE: You are fortunate to be geographically distant from your mentally ill nephew. It is not up to you to make amends with him. Until he receives psychiatric treatment for his illness, his behavior won't moderate and there will be no reconciliation. In a case like this, self-protection is the most reasonable action.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I received a generous gift card from my brother and sister-in-law to a restaurant we love. Next week, the four of us are going to dinner together there. My question is about the etiquette of using such a gift card. Should we use it that night or plan not to use it? If we use it and there is excess, should we pay toward my brother's bill? I know my brother won't be bothered or offended either way, but I'm curious about the "correct" way to handle this, and I'd appreciate your advice. -- WONDERING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WONDERING: If my mail is any indication, some folks become offended if someone they are splitting the bill with uses a gift card rather than a credit card or cash. That's why it never hurts to ask that question of the person who is joining you BEFORE going to the restaurant.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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