About two-thirds of the way through every meeting with a new client, I get to the part about what qualities or traits they might be looking for in a partner—physical, mental, etc. (The first, longer part is dedicated to learning about the client so I can write the best online dating profile possible.) From their answer to this question, it’s pretty easy for me to tell who is in the right headspace for meeting a partner… and who isn’t. How? By listening for whether clients list qualities they are looking for in a partner versus those who list qualities they are not looking for.

For example, when I ask, “What are you looking for in a partner?” (I generally leave it open-ended to get their raw answers), I might get some of these responses:

-“I don’t want someone with anger-management issues.”

-“I won’t want someone who’s only looking for a hookup.”

-“Someone with young children will not work for me at all.”

-“I would never date someone who identifies as agnostic or atheist.”

-“I don’t want someone with a rigid 9-to-5 job.”

The list goes on. When this negativity happens, the first thought that crosses my mind is that this person may not be over their ex, likely listing qualities that are the opposite of what was present in the last relationship. In general, after a relationship, we assess what worked and what didn’t. If you think you want the complete opposite in a person, then I’m guessing not enough time has passed since that relationship. Clearly you liked something or else you wouldn’t have been together, right? Over time, when the dust settles, you’ll likely be looking for a mix of similarities that you’d like to carry into the next relationship and differences that you want to change this time around.

Next, when someone lists negative qualities, I automatically think they’ve likely had just one bad experience, leading to this generalization. For example, the “Someone with young children will not work for me at all” person likely had one partner whose young children posed a problem in some way. Does this mean all people with young children are the same? Of course not.

Lastly, when someone has a long list of negatives, it means to me that they are more concerned with the person on paper than the person in real life. This person is looking to dismiss potential matches, not let them in. I tell people to keep their eyes open, of course, but to look for green flags over red flags at the beginning. And of course, the minute you start writing negative language in your profile, you’ll get negative results, the exact opposite of what you intended.

So let’s turn all of these phrases around:

-“I’m looking for someone level-headed (or even-keeled).”

-“I’m looking for a committed relationship.”

-“I have grown children and generally get along well with others in a similar life place.”

-“I’m looking for someone similarly invested in faith.”

-“It’s nice when we both have a flexible work schedule.”

Notice the difference? These second statements are open and inviting versus negative and bitter. They talk about the future, not the past. They will work much better online—and in life.

So take a moment to think about what you’re looking for in a partner. And for every statement you make about what you don’t want, turn it into one that you do. You’ll feel—and hopefully see—a difference immediately.

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