There are plenty of conversational landmines to avoid around the holiday dinner table. Money leads the way, according to a recent Bankrate survey. We found that only 38% of U.S. adults are comfortable discussing their bank account balances with family members and close friends. Fewer than half (47%) are comfortable discussing their love lives, and just 52% are comfortable talking about their credit card debt.

In comparison, Americans are a lot more amenable to chatting about potentially sensitive issues such as their weight (71% are comfortable), their political views (78%), their religious views (81%) and their health (also 81%).

I’m surprised at how many people view money as an off-limits conversation topic. Only 14% of U.S. adults believe that money is a normal discussion topic at holiday gatherings with friends and family members. It still comes up, though. For example:

—19% have given financial assistance to a friend or family member at a holiday gathering.

—10% say friends and family members often ask them awkward money questions around the holidays.

—9% have asked for financial assistance from a friend or family member at a holiday gathering.

—8% are worried about a family member or friend’s financial situation and plan to discuss it with them this holiday season.

Also, our holiday travel survey revealed that 13% of holiday travelers plan to ask family members or friends to pay for their trips. And among Americans who have maxed out a credit card (or come close) since early 2022, nearly a quarter (22%) had to borrow money from family or friends.

Tread carefully

Remember how airplane safety demonstrations tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others? The same pertains to helping family members and friends with financial issues. In other words, don’t lend more than you can afford to lose.

Among Americans who have lent money to family or friends (including those who paid for a group expense and expected to be paid back), 42% lost money, 24% experienced a damaged relationship and 9% suffered harm to their credit score.

Also, consider treating the money as a gift rather than a loan. If you really want the money back, it’s a good idea to draw up an informal contract. You can spell out that you do, in fact, wish to get paid back. You might even outline a payback schedule and/or attach an interest rate. While you probably won’t take a friend or family member to court over the matter, this exercise serves to clarify expectations. Sometimes it’s unclear whether someone wants to be paid back or not.

There are ways to help besides giving money

For instance, maybe you can offer career advice or referrals to people in your network who can help your friend or family member find a new job. And rather than paying their rent bills, maybe you can have an adult child live with you for a bit while they find their footing. In that circumstance, it can be advantageous to have an end date in mind. I also like it if the adult child has some skin in the game, perhaps paying nominal rent or contributing to household expenses such as groceries and utilities. You could even set this money aside and give it back to them at a later date to serve as the security deposit on an apartment or to help with moving expenses.

You could even make sure they’ve consider alternative ways to pay off their debt, such as opening a balance transfer credit card.

Sometimes the best approach is to delicately say no, and that’s OK. You could say you value the relationship too much to mix family with finances, in case things go sideways and the relationship suffers. You could also explain that offering financial assistance just doesn’t fit into your budget. I’ve even heard of people turning the request around and saying, “Wow, I was about to ask you for a loan! I guess we’re both out of luck.” With nearly two-thirds of Americans feeling behind on their emergency savings, you have plenty of company.

The bottom line

Don’t be surprised if a family member passes you a side of money talk along with the stuffing and mashed potatoes this holiday season. Before agreeing to lend money, carefully consider your financial situation. If you say yes, you have to be okay with never seeing the money again. And remember that there are gentle ways to say no or not right now, potentially offering to help in other ways.

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