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Remember phone calls?

Remember when the phone rang, and you answered? There was never a worry that your caller was a spam factory in Kyrgyzstan, helpfully informing you that a valuable package was hung up in customs and all they needed to release it was the number of your credit card, your 16-digit PIN and the ZIP code of your phlebotomist.

Or it was you who was the caller. You urgently needed to pass on a juicy tidbit of gossip about the CFO, who was involved in a torrid affair with the CMO, or the CTO or the COO. Or maybe it was all the C's, and a few D's and E's, too.

If a telephone was a vital part of your work life, it's time to wake up and smell the dial tone.

Today, there are rules of etiquette about when to use the phone and when to choose other means of communication. I'm talking email, text, Skype, Zoom and Slack. And don't forget smoke signals from the roof of your office. Trust me, they're coming back.

If you want to know more about phone etiquette, call Heather Kelly, or maybe not. Kelly is the author of "The new phone call etiquette: Text first and never leave a voice mail," a helpful article in The Washington Post.

According to Kelly, "phone norms change quickly, causing some people to feel left behind and confused." Since I don't want you to feel even more confused than you already are, here are four rules to remember.

No. 1: Voicemail is for losers.

"Voice mails are an artifact of the days before text messages," writes Heather Kelly. So, if your manager needs even more proof that you are a dog far too old to learn new tricks, leave a voicemail.

Beyond aging you, today's phones automatically transcribe voice mails, which can result in career-destroying messaging mistakes as you say, "I have this new manager," and your devil phone types out, "I hate this new manager."

No. 2: Text before texting.

"Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to the recipient," say the etiquette experts. There's stress for the caller, as well. A recipient is less likely to answer if they don't know who is calling. (They're definitely not going to answer if they do.)

The solution is to text first, announcing when and why you're going to call. This sounds polite, but is it enough? I suggest you first send an email, announcing to your recipient they are going to receive a text announcing you're going to call.

To be totally considerate, send a special delivery letter announcing the email announcing the text announcing the phone call. To make sure they received the special delivery, follow up with a telegram. [If you don't know what a telegram is, ask your phlebotomist.]

This is a very effective way to communicate, if, by the time you start punching in numbers, you can remember what it is you are calling about.

No. 3: The time to answer your phone is never.

Just because someone calls you, it doesn't mean you have to answer.

In fact, never answering your phone says you are working hard -- and you are working hard, deciding which phone calls not to answer. Though etiquette experts say you shouldn't answer a call when you're in a meeting, there is one exception. That's if the meeting is with your manager, who we will call Alex. Set up a phone call, which you answer, responding loudly to an imaginary person who you identify, sotto voce, as your manager's manager.

"I don't care what the team thinks," you say. "I am 100% loyal to Alex, despite the obvious deficiencies in skill level and character."

You can hang up then. Alex will soon be off to a new job, and you can take their place -- and their phone.

No. 4: Everyone loves it when you're on speakerphone.

You don't need a podcast. Just pick up your phone and you're broadcasting.

It's the perfect opportunity for sharing your thoughts about everything that's wrong with the company. Your co-workers will know you're being honest, because you don't know anyone is listening in -- or so you can claim. It's a career hack that's sure to get you promoted or fired, whichever comes first.

I hope you now understand how your phone can accelerate your career, assuming you never use it. If you don't agree, give me a call. I won't be able to answer, of course. I'm working way too hard.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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