... continued from above

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth ...Read more

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How ...Read more

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go...Read more

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive

6. The Salvation Army declines ...Read more

"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity."

~ Frank Leahy

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"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."

~ Oscar Levant

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"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis."

~ Margaret Bonnano

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams...Read more

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it." ...Read more

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then .

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.

One at a time please.

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Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.

You're too tents. ...Read more

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "Ooh, I want to ...Read more