1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. A four footed allergen.

3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. A treat-seeking missile.

5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.

6. A hair relocation expert.

7. An un-programmable animal.

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two ...Read more

Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison:

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben.

Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough.

"Hello?" I said.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in ...Read more

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing ...Read more

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

A: She turned it over and used the other side.

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?"...Read more

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

** Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

** Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

** Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

** The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

** It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

** It needs cleaning less often...Read more

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!