Q: My sister is getting married, and her fiance has asked my ex to be his best man. My ex and I don't get along very well and I have asked her fiance to reconsider many times, but he refuses to consider how I might feel. I am also in the wedding party as well as my two children, ages 10 and 12. Plus, there are other former couples who are invited who also don’t get along with their exes. What can I do? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Many divorced people feel as you do. They expect their relatives' allegiance after their breakup and, “If I don’t get along with him, you can’t either.” Some feel, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t side with that jerk.”

Truth is, it’s not that your sister or her fiance don’t love you or that they are siding with someone else. It’s that they’ve formed a relationship with your ex over the years that’s completely separate from their relationship with you -- and so they may not realize how insulted you feel.

Sometimes we have to stand back and really look at why we are so offended. It may have something to do with expecting those you love to line up on your side. And when they don’t, or at least to the degree that you want them to, it just adds to the hurt of the breakup.

But there’s more here. You didn’t say if your ex was your children’s father, but let’s say he is. That means if your kids are 10 and 12, your ex could have been in your relatives’ lives for almost 15 years — maybe more. Plus, over the years, he has become your sister’s fiance’s best friend ("best men” are usually the groom’s relative or best friend.)

This is a perfect example of the breakup ripple effect. One person’s relationship and breakup effects so many -- and we expect everyone to line up on our side. Plus, if we are “putting the children first” (Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 1) and using the best interest of the children as the criteria for continued relationships, your sister and future brother-in-law recognize that your ex is not merely your ex, but also their father. Your sister and her future husband understand the need to continue positive interaction for the sake of the kids.

That is why we have to separate out all these relationships and let them exist on their own. We can’t control how others act, just as we would not want them to dictate how we act.

Bottom line, in this day and age of a 50% divorce rate, if people started eliminating someone’s ex from the invitation list, very few people would be invited. That’s why it’s best that your sister invite everyone she wants to invite and then let them decide if they want to attend. Out of respect for the bride and the groom, everyone who attends should act like adults and be respectful.

I suggest you all go light on the alcohol, though. Alcohol can loosen the inhibitions and the tongue. Your kids will be watching. And since many of these relationships will continue to be ongoing regardless of their origin, now more than ever is when the adults in the children’s lives must set the example. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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