Single File: Undependence (Part 2)
Love -- the real deal -- can exist only between lovers who are whole and distinct individuals capable of standing alone, apart from their beloved. My word for that state is undependence. Learning to be alone, then, is cultivating that ability in preparation for love partnership; there is no other way to start the process of creating personhood. No one says it's easy or quick. But the payoff is like none other: responsible, durable love. (In the wry humor of the universe, genuine togetherness is achievable only by exercising apartness.)
Look around at the couples you know. Married or not, do their relationships sort of wobble whenever they're apart or when they're in disagreement? The couplehood co-created by strong, whole people doesn't teeter when they're not together; it is firmly grounded by their undependence. Imagine the mutual respect that blooms within their private cosmos, creating an emotional climate that encourages nurturance and respect. That kind of climate gives both partners strength and confidence -- on their own, partnered or in a crowd, in the large impersonal outside world. It's an elixir rare and wonderful, well worth almost any effort.
And after all, it is mutual respect that encourages harmony between lovers. Passion fizzles fast, but friendly feelings endure. And friendship between two whole individuals can last a lifetime -- a living, growing pulse echoing their aliveness. Undependents face the world and feel part of its ever-changing energy. They bring that pulsing sense of life into their core relationship, where it is honored and enhances their union.
No relationship is without its rough patches, but whole people are not quitters; they ride out the rough spots with faith and goodwill, making the necessary adjustments. Because they feel strong and happy with themselves, they have the strength to be flexible and make compromises for the sake of the union. But their essential personhood is not diminished by bending, for that is bedrock! They are certain their partner would never infringe on that most private and crucial element, not even for the sake of their relationship.
Undependence is far more than independence, yet it is not an isolated state of being. Far from it! The wholeness it engenders reaches out to all kinds of people, from all walks of life and every conceivable background. Undependents live in a world full of good people, drawn to them by their good feelings about themselves. To be a whole, fully faceted person is to be a fully functioning and admired participant in the world.
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