Partner's Lack Of Ambition Threatens Relationship

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have deep feelings for my partner of five years, but since I gained more financial stability, I've noticed a shift in his behavior. He seems to have become complacent, no longer making efforts to contribute financially or surprise me as he did in the past. I find myself shouldering the responsibility for our bills and taking care of both of our needs. I'm torn between my love for him and feeling like I'm carrying the weight of our relationship alone. Is it wrong to contemplate ending things if this dynamic continues, or should I try to address these issues in our relationship? -- Dependable Girlfriend

DEAR DEPENDABLE GIRLFRIEND: Long-term relationships experience many twists and turns along the way. Unless the two of you keep talking about what's going on in your lives, you and your partner will not be on the same page. Yes, your earnings have increased. Should that automatically mean that you take over all financial responsibilities? No. But if you have not discussed this with your partner, you cannot assume what he believes.

I recommend having a weekly family meeting with your partner to talk about roles and responsibilities, changes in your lives and plans for the future. Right now, you need to have a serious conversation about how he has changed since your abundance has increased. Ask him why he has stopped contributing as he once did. Tell him you notice that he is not as engaged or spontaneous as he once was. Find out what's going on in his head. Do not accuse him, though. Talk to him. Encourage him to express his thoughts openly with you.

Sadly -- and this may sound sexist, but it is not meant to -- it can be challenging for some men to be in a relationship with a woman who is the principal breadwinner. Sometimes that triggers jealous behaviors. Societal norms and values are to blame for this sometimes-stereotypical reaction to a woman's success. Don't let any unresolved feelings fester. Instead, talk to your partner about the future and how you both can contribute toward it. Make a plan together for how you two can grow your life and be equal partners, whatever that means. If he is unwilling to partner with you for the future, he may not be your match.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I liked your answer to "Next Chapter," who was trying to figure out what to do with her extra free time now that she was an empty nester. I'd just like to add a comment about how she stated that she doesn't want to "feel silly" trying some things late in life. Why not? Feeling silly is EXACTLY what you should be doing right now. Child-rearing requires us to be grown-ups for quite a while. Nothing will bring back your childlike wonder in the world and the desire to learn new things quicker than letting yourself get a little silly. If you want your golden years to be their best, you should definitely reawaken the child in you. -- A 60-Something-Year-Old Child

DEAR A 60-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD CHILD: What a wonderful perspective you have on this stage in your life! I totally agree. Why not be jubilant and curious about the empty-nester stage? When you have achieved so much in caring for your family and have the opportunity to look out at the world and explore something new, go for with the curiosity and joy of a child. Then see where it takes you!

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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)