One Belated 'thank-You' To Rule Them All

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin on Apr 9, 2024

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a terrible procrastinator. I have procrastinated sending thank-you letters for multiple years for multiple events (our wedding, my baby shower, our child's birthday parties). The worst offense is our wedding, five years ago.

Is it ever too late to send a thank-you letter? Could I send a single thank-you now, for the gifts and attendance to all these events?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it had better be a good one. Being a procrastinator is not a decent excuse, and Miss Manners is not going to let you off the hook by declaring a statute of limitations.

What you need to atone for is not postponement so much as blatantly apparent ingratitude. So you need to name and praise your use of each of these presents (at least vaguely, if you can't remember what they were) and also express appreciation for your benefactors' continued thoughtfulness and generosity over the years.

Yes, this will be a lot of work. But when you do not pay a debt when it is due, it accrues interest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I had many friends, family members and colleagues send gifts, cards, emails and texts, for which I know that I am very, very lucky.

Most of these occurred in the first month after my diagnosis, which was a flurry of tests, procedures and doctor's appointments. I tried to keep up with sending thank-you notes or responding to emails, but it was quite overwhelming. Unfortunately, many slipped through the cracks.

Now a couple months have passed. What is the etiquette for sending thanks or responding at this point?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, you do have a legitimate excuse. Etiquette is not so heartless as to discount genuinely overwhelming circumstances.

Still, you do want to show your appreciation. Miss Manners reminds you that some of those kind people will surely have asked what they can do to help. One or more of them could make your task easier by taking dictation from you to write on your behalf.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that mourners now applaud at funerals after a memorial speech. Maybe I am old-school, but I do not remember this being done until lately. I would personally prefer no applause.

GENTLE READER: Whether this was started by those who grew up on a parental chorus of "Good job!" for every action or is just part of America's orientation toward show business, Miss Manners cannot say.

But yes, solemn occasions are now often punctuated by applause. To applaud a funeral tribute does take the focus from honoring the deceased to congratulating the speaker. Even applauding music that is a formal part of religious services suggests that it is done to please an audience, not to glorify God.

So Miss Manners agrees with you, but sees little hope of convincing others that thoughtful silence can be more meaningful than noise.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)