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The way you say it

Humor / Jokes /

It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

Chicken Scratchins'

Humor / Jokes /

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Q: How long do chickens work?
A: Around the cluck!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken!

Q: Why did...Read more

The Five Toughest Questions for Men: #s Five

Humor / Jokes /

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

This is the all-time, no-win question. There is no good answer. No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?

Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Man: Of course I do...Read more

The Five Toughest Questions for Men: #s One and Two

Humor / Jokes /

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). ...Read more

Mrs. O'Connor Divorce

Humor / Jokes /

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still ...Read more

The Island

Humor / Jokes /

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Still More A Good Pun is Its Own Reword

Humor / Jokes /

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, ...Read more

Police and Doughnuts

Humor / Jokes /

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

I Differentiate You!

Humor / Jokes /

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I ...Read more

Blondes Fishing

Humor / Jokes /

These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll...Read more

Chess Playing Dog

Humor / Jokes /

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Irish Telephones

Humor / Jokes /

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago...Read more

Violin Practice

Humor / Jokes /

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper...Read more

For The Kids...

Humor / Jokes /

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
...Read more

For The Kids...

Humor / Jokes /

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards!

What's the hardest part of milking a mouse?
Getting it to fit over a bucket!

Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

What do you call a mouse that can pick up an ...Read more

Weekend Update: SNL's 50th Anniversary – SNL50

Humor / Jokes /

Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che cover Saturday Night Live's 50th anniversary by taking a look back at memorable milestones from the show.

Merv Griffin Sits Down With Johnny for the First Time | Carson Tonight Show

Humor / Jokes /

Original Airdate: September 05, 1986

Robert De Niro: Making The Limited Series "Zero Day" Was Like Doing Three Feature Films Back-To-Back

Humor / Jokes /

Acting legend Robert De Niro talks about why he decided to do a limited television series for the first time, and gives a preview of what happens to America in "Zero Day," which is streaming now on Netflix.

Commercial Parodies – SNL50

Humor / Jokes /

Alec Baldwin introduces SNL's look back at its commercial parodies.

Debbie Downer: Bar – SNL50 (360°)

Humor / Jokes /

Jimmy Fallon, Ayo Edebiri, Drew Barrymore and Robert De Niro try to get a drink at a bar but the bartender, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch), can't stop bringing up depressing topics.

 

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