"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"...Read more

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured...Read more

During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship.

The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was.

The player replied, "Yes."

The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn't curse at the umpire or ...Read more

Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can't remember,
When I stand at foot of stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I've just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is ...Read more

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got ...Read more

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After ...Read more

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

1. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

2. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that ...Read more

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said...Read more

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really ...Read more

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.

"Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's ...Read more

One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

A good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.

Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.

The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo...Read more

What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!

What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat!

What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
A caterpillar tractor!

What does a cat go to sleep on?
A caterpillow!

What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun!

What pillar...Read more